![](\"https:\/\/cdn.prod.dailykos.com\/images\/1407041\/large\/1960sTriptik.jpg?1741548376\")
As I walked by her open bedroom door, the TV was on and I could see all the pieces of paper on mom\u2019s bed. I couldn\u2019t quite see her, but I knew she was in there, sitting cross-legged at the head of her bed, trying to pay the bills. It was a thing she had to do each month, but it usually made her worried or even sad. Usually there wasn\u2019t enough money to pay them all, but hopefully all the most important ones.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey coolie\u201d, I heard her say, hearing me out in the hall I guess, \u201cCome in and sit with me while I pay the bills, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
I never really wanted to do that, but I also didn\u2019t want her to get all sad again, and usually when I was in the room with her and she could talk to me about stuff, she felt better.<\/p>\n
I peeked in her room so she could see me. \u201cNot BILLS again!\u201d I said, which I really felt, but I also thought would make her laugh. Kind of neat to say something that was both true and funny at the same time, and mom always liked it when you just said what you were really feeling. But boys and men didn\u2019t usually do that, though it did feel good when I did.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, she said, puffing her cheeks and blowing air out of her mouth, \u201cThe goddamn bills again.\u201d Mom didn\u2019t swear A LOT, like some older boys in the park, but she did like to swear sometimes, when it helped you know how she was feeling. She always seemed to feel a little better after she did, though she hardly swore at all when David was around. I guess she didn\u2019t think he was old enough yet to hear it, though she thought I was, and I liked that she thought that.<\/p>\n
She motioned for me to sit in the rocking chair, next to the little dresser at the foot of her bed with our little TV on it, showing that Hollywood Squares game show, but with the sound turned down kind of low so you could just hear it. So I did, getting ready for whatever the latest bad news about bills she couldn\u2019t pay, or needing to get the car fixed, or other stuff like that.<\/p>\n
I guess she knew what I was thinking because she shook her head quickly and said, \u201cNothing bad today, sweetie. I\u2019m not going to pay Fiegel\u2019s until next month, but what else is new.\u201d She laughed through her nose and then did her big toothy smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe leave on Saturday for the Cape\u201d, she said, \u201cI hope you and your brother are as excited as I am.\u201d I nodded. David and I both were. He and I had talked about how we were going to arrange the back of the car with the little mattresses from the rollaway beds along with blankets and pillows like we did for our Cape Cod trip last year.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow did lunch go with your dad yesterday?\u201d she asked. I noticed she didn\u2019t say \u201cyour father\u201d like she usually did these days.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was good\u201d, I said, \u201cThough he said he\u2019d really miss us, and I think he was sad about not going too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, I bet\u201d, she said, \u201cDid he tell you that?\u201d I shook my head and she then nodded with her lips pushed together and then looked up at the ceiling.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe loves you guys and he\u2019s always been a good dad to you two\u201d, she said, now looking at me kind of fiercely, \u201cWe didn\u2019t get divorced because he wasn\u2019t a good dad, it\u2019s just unresolvable issues between him and me. I hope you and David understand that, and it\u2019s very important that you continue to have your relationship with him. Important for him AND for you guys.\u201d I nodded, though I didn\u2019t like that she was trying to tell me to have a relationship with him, like I wasn\u2019t already, so I said more.<\/p>\n
\u201cI played a song for him on the jukebox at the Food and Drug that I told him that I thought he would like\u201d, I said, \u201cIt\u2019s called \u2018Cherish\u2019 and it\u2019s by this band called the Association, and they do lots of singing together and harmonies like dad likes. And he said he liked it a lot and it reminded him of singing songs in college with his buddies.\u201d I remembered that that song had also made him sad, because it was about being in love with somebody who wasn\u2019t in love with you back, which maybe reminded him about mom, but I didn\u2019t tell her about THAT.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood for you\u201d, she said, smiling and nodding her head, \u201cI\u2019m glad to hear that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u201d, she said, no longer smiling, \u201cIt\u2019ll just be you, me and David this year, obviously, going to the Cape, and that means I\u2019ll have to do all the driving, unless you\u2019ve suddenly turned sixteen and got your drivers license.\u201d I thought about that, in five years I could drive cars like grownups and older kids like Margie, and Arthur\u2019s older sister.<\/p>\n
She sighed and said, \u201cWhen I shared the driving with your dad, we took turns to give the other a break, and we talked about stuff to pass the time, especially on that godawful boring\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c401\u201d, I said, before she could. She pushed her lips together, closed her eyes and nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo\u201d, she said, opening up her eyes and looking at me kind of fiercely, \u201cIf I\u2019m going to do all the driving myself, then we\u2019re definitely going to take two days to get there, and we\u2019re not leaving at five in the goddamn morning. I\u2019ll need a good night\u2019s sleep before I have to drive all day.\u201d I nodded. That all made sense.<\/p>\n
She held her finger up and said, \u201cAND, I\u2019m going to need one of you in the front seat with me AT ALL TIMES. I know you and David had a grand time at your little backseat blanket and pillow party last time, but that\u2019s not going to work this time. I\u2019ll need you in the front seat next to me talking about stuff, kind of entertaining me, helping with navigation, tuning the radio stations looking for music or some news. Otherwise I\u2019ll get too bored and will be in danger of nodding off. Maybe you guys can even sing for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u201d, I said, \u201cI don\u2019t know about that!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI LOVE hearing you and David sing\u201d, she said, \u201cWhat\u2019s that new Beatles song you two sang for me the other day?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNowhere Man?\u201d I asked. She nodded and smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cAny and every Beatles or Motown or other song you guys know, maybe even that one you played for your dad, I\u2019d love to hear it\u201d, she said, making a big smile, \u201cYou don\u2019t know how nice it is for a parent to hear her kids sing. Especially one like me who can\u2019t really carry a tune. You don\u2019t want to hear ME try to sing!\u201d I laughed, she was really funny sometimes, and what she said made sense too.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd once we get there, to the Cape\u201d, she said, \u201cI\u2019m going to need a lot of time to just be by myself, swim, get some sun, read some good books, even just stare at the ocean.\u201d<\/p>\n
She thought about all that for a minute and said, \u201cEvery morning I\u2019ll go to the beach for a swim. Well maybe not the first morning, I\u2019ll need to recover from the drive. You guys can come too if you like, or stay home if you\u2019d rather. But if you come with, I\u2019ll help you practice your swimming and body surfing. We can walk the beach and look for shells and sand dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe rest of the day you two will be on your own\u201d, she said, \u201c We\u2019ll have cereal and milk for breakfast and sandwich stuff for lunch. Dinner, we\u2019ll improvise something simple. Maybe Roberts Spaghetti, maybe more sandwiches, maybe a pizza if I can find a good place that will deliver. I\u2019d love to dig for clams and boil them up. And then a couple times we can go into P-town to a restaurant for dinner and just walk around the town.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe woman that owns the place\u201d, she said, \u201cTold me we have a nice big backyard, and she has three cats, in case you miss Middie. Which reminds me, your father said he would check in on Midnight while we\u2019re gone, make sure he has water and dry food. And she said the cottage has a record player, so you can bring all your favorite records and some good books to read.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJames Bond\u201d, I said. I knew I was teasing her because she didn\u2019t like James Bond, but those were the books I was reading this summer.<\/p>\n
She closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. \u201cWomanizing James Bond or whatever you want\u201d, she said, \u201cYour time is your time!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay\u201d, I said, \u201cBut are we going to go to Niagara Falls?\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded and said, \u201cYes. I worked that all out, have a new Triptik and a reservation at a motel in Niagara Falls.\u201d She made a big smile.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t wait for you to hear it\u201d, Mike said as we opened the front screen door and walked into our house, \u201cI\u2019m sure you heard it before back in the spring but just don\u2019t remember.\u201d<\/p>\n
We had gone on our bikes to Discount Records and just come back with the forty-five he had bought. Mike and I had also looked at the latest issue of Crawdaddy. Bob Dylan was on the cover and there was a big article about him that we had both read together in the store. It was about his big song, \u201cLike a Rolling Stone\u201d from last year, and how he was no longer just a folk singer and was into rock and roll. It said, \u201cHe is simply an artist able to create in the medium that for him is most free.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mike had found the forty-five that Arthur had played for him that he liked so much. It had been a hit on the radio and on all the jukebox machines earlier in the year. Arthur was still into all the British bands, like the Beatles, the Stones, the Kinks, and now this new band, the Yardbirds.<\/p>\n
There were piles of clothes, art supplies, boxes and cans of food from the kitchen on all the three tables in the different parts of the living room. Midnight was up on top of the pie cabinet next to the round table, snoozing, but his eyes opened a little bit to see who we were and then closed again. He was now staying outside all night and then sleeping during the day, usually in the basement when it was really hot and sticky out, or up on the top of the pie cabinet when there was a nice breeze going through the house like today, because mom always kept all the windows open.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you guys are getting ready to go to Cape Cod\u201d, he said, \u201cWhen do you leave?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTomorrow\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019s taking care of Midnight while you\u2019re gone?\u201d he asked. Mike always wondered about stuff like that.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy dad is\u201d, I said. Mike was the only one of my friends I ever talked to about my dad, because he was the only one that knew that mom and dad were divorced.<\/p>\n
\u201cWow\u201d, Mike said, then looking at me, pointing his finger at the stairs and saying, \u201cShall we?\u201d I nodded and Mike took two steps at a time up the stairs as I ran behind him up into David\u2019s and my bedroom. David wasn\u2019t around, so Mike kind of jumped up on David\u2019s bed, turning his body so his butt hit the mattress with a crunch. Then he handed me the record.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t wait to hear it again\u201d, he said, his face all orange hair, green eyes and freckles. I put that black plastic cylinder thing over the record player spindle so it could play forty-fives. The record player somehow knew where to put the needle for the beginning of a forty-five rather than an album. The song started with that \u201cder der der der\u201d part on the guitar and then the words\u2026<\/p>\n
Shapes
\nOf things before my eyes
\nJust teach me to despise
\nWill time make men more wise?<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI remembered the song now. I had liked it a lot too. It felt like a kind of a sing along marching song, except it wasn\u2019t about war, it was about peace and taking care of the world and trying to be better\u2026<\/p>\n
Here
\nWithin my lonely frame
\nMy eyes just heard my brain
\nBut will it seem the same?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\u201cI\u2019ve never been able to figure out that second verse\u201d, Mike said, shaking his head, \u201cIs it \u2018hurt my brain\u2019 or \u2018heard my brain\u2019? Who knows!\u201d And as the chorus played Mike sang along and looked at me\u2026<\/p>\n
(Come tomorrow) Will I be older?
\n(Come tomorrow) Maybe a soldier
\n(Come tomorrow) May I be bolder than today?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\u201cI LOVE that last line!\u201d he said, \u201cYou should always be bolder the next time, you know what I mean? If you didn\u2019t do the right thing this time, well remember and do it right the next time!\u201d I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re not kids anymore\u201d, I said, the words he had said to me before that I was really thinking about a lot, \u201cRight?\u201d He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, exactly\u201d, he said.<\/p>\n
As the song continued I thought about what Mike said. I was usually shy, or even kind of afraid to do some things I thought I should do, that I felt would be right to do. Maybe the next time I would be less shy, less afraid, to do the right thing.<\/p>\n
Now
\nThe trees are almost green
\nBut will they still be seen?
\nWhen time and tide have been<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI liked the way the song started each verse with a single short word\u2026<\/p>\n
Fall
\nInto your passing hands
\nPlease don’t destroy these lands
\nDon’t make them desert sands<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI wondered about who was destroying things and I figured it had to be some of the grownups\u2026<\/p>\n
(Come tomorrow) Will I be older?
\n(Come tomorrow) May be a soldier
\n(Come tomorrow) May I be bolder than today?<\/p><\/blockquote>\nThen there was this guitar solo part, without any words, that sounded all strange and fuzzy like nothing I\u2019d heard before, not the usual \u201cder der der\u201d stuff.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s Jeff Beck doing the guitar solo\u201d, Mike said, \u201cI read about him in Crawdaddy. He invented this special way to do feedback on his electric guitar to make it sound kind of fuzzy and screechy, and he also pulls on the strings to change the pitch.\u201d<\/p>\n
And then the last verse\u2026<\/p>\n
Soon
\nI hope that I will find
\nThoughts deep within my mind
\nThat won’t disgrace my kind<\/p><\/blockquote>\nThere were two more quick fuzzy \u201cwah wah wah\u201ds from the guitar and it was done.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s such an interesting song\u201d, Mike said, \u201cAnd it ends, BOOM, just like that, not a regular song ending.\u201d<\/p>\n
The problem with a lot of these songs sometimes was figuring out all the words. Sometimes I\u2019d listen to a song a bunch of times and there would still be some words I couldn\u2019t figure out, maybe I\u2019d just have to make up my own to fit in those parts. In this song most of the words were pretty easy to figure out, but I was still struggling with the last line.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat was that last line?\u201d I asked Mike.<\/p>\n
He looked at me and his eyes twinkled, like the words were really important to know, and said, \u201cSoon\u2026 I hope that I will find\u2026 thoughts deep inside my mind\u2026 that won\u2019t disgrace my kind.\u201d<\/p>\n
I repeated those last three words, \u201cDisgrace my kind\u201d, but had trouble figuring out the \u201ckind\u201d part. I didn\u2019t want him to think that I was still a stupid little kid so I didn\u2019t ask him, but luckily, he answered my question anyway.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know\u201d, he said, \u201cDisgrace my comrades\u2026 my g-g-g-generation.\u201d That last part I knew he was referring to that Who song where the guy singing stuttered like he was a nervous kid.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh yeah\u201d, I said nodding, \u201cTalkin\u2019 \u2018bout OUR generation.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly\u201d, he said, his eyes twinkling again. I liked it when his eyes twinkled, he just seemed so happy, in a fierce kind of way!<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
That evening, David and I helped mom finish packing all the suitcases with clothes, way more than last time because we were staying three weeks this time. There was mom\u2019s little traincase full of all the bathroom stuff, like soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, toothpaste and medicines. Also all this other stuff that mom used, like lotion, baby oil, shaving cream, a razor, and these tube things called \u201ctampons\u201d that I had no idea what they were for. There was also the big wood box with mom\u2019s art supplies, plus her big sketch pads.<\/p>\n
Then there were a bunch of those brown paper grocery bags filled with stuff. Two with pretty much all of David and my records, the music ones and the comedy ones, plus the music satire ones by Alan Sherman and Tom Lehrer. Another bag with regular books and comic books, ones David and I wanted to be able to look at or read, like a bunch of James Bond books for me. Plus books mom wanted to read, like the \u201cFeminine Mystique\u201d, \u201cValley of the Dolls\u201d and \u201cAn American Dream\u201d. There were three bags full of food to eat while we were there – Cheerios, mom\u2019s new favorite Kellogg\u2019s Concentrate cereal, bread, peanut butter, apples, cans of fruit and vegetables, pancake mix, pretzels, potato chips, spaghetti and macaroni noodles, big cans of grapefruit and tomato juice that mom liked to drink, plus powdered koolaid for us.<\/p>\n
Even though she wanted one of us in the front seat with her at all times, David and I still wanted to set up the back of the car like our last trip to Cape Cod, with the back seats down and the rollaway mattresses put on top of them with blankets and pillows for our \u201ccozy compartment\u201d. David and I tried setting it up that way, but it turned out we were just bringing too much stuff this time to cram it all in the corners plus that small area behind the front seat like we did last time. So instead, we had to leave the regular back seat up and just the wayback seat down, and fill the wayback part with suitcases, boxes and bags. Still that back part of the car got so full that mom couldn\u2019t see out the back window from the rearview mirror in front, so we had to move a suitcase and some of the bags to the other half of the backseat.<\/p>\n
Set up THAT way, mom said it didn\u2019t make sense to bring all the blankets and pillows. \u201cWe\u2019re just going to be driving during the day, so neither of you will really need to sleep\u201d, mom said.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut the blankets and pillows are FUN\u201d, David said, making a pretend really mad face. Mom laughed through her nose and nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about ONE blanket and ONE pillow\u201d, I said, and then added, \u201cFor old time\u2019s sake.\u201d I had never said that before, but I had heard grownups say it, and it seemed it was a good argument right now.<\/p>\n
Mom laughed through her nose again and then said, \u201cOkay. ONE blanket and ONE pillow, for old time\u2019s sake.\u201d I liked that what I said might have won the argument.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
My clock radio went off at 7:00. It was the news on CKLW, and they were talking about John Lennon apologizing for saying that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus\u2026<\/p>\n
News anchor\u2019s voice: And at the press conference, Lennon apologized.<\/p>\n
Lennon\u2019s voice: I suppose if I had said television was more popular than Jesus, I would have got away with it. I’m sorry I opened my mouth. I’m not anti-God, anti-Christ, or anti-religion. I was not knocking it. I was not saying we are greater or better.<\/p>\n
News anchor\u2019s voice: When asked about his own belief, Lennon quoted the Bishop of Woolwich\u2026<\/p>\n
Lennon\u2019s voice: Not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. If you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I’m sorry.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
As I turned off the radio and got out of bed, I thought about those words in the last verse of that \u201cShapes of Things\u201d song that Mike had bought and really wanted me to hear yesterday\u2026<\/p>\n
Soon
\nI hope that I will find
\nThoughts deep within my mind
\nThat won’t disgrace my kind<\/p><\/blockquote>\nJohn Lennon wasn\u2019t trying to say that the Beatles were BETTER than Jesus, just that more people talked about them than Jesus. He was even sorry that the grownups thought he thought the Beatles were better. I wondered if Mike would have apologized. I wouldn\u2019t have. None of the kids I knew or even most of the grownups talked about Jesus either, but we talked about the Beatles a lot. Even some grownups did. They didn\u2019t always LIKE them, but they TALKED about them.<\/p>\n
I got up, put my clothes on and went downstairs. Mom was in the kitchen packing our little cooler with cold cans of Tab from the refrigerator and a couple Seven-Ups for me and David. David was eating a bowl of Cheerios.<\/p>\n
\u201cI helped mom finish packing the car\u201d, he said, \u201cAnd she said I can look at the map in the backseat.\u201d I was surprised when he said that, because that had always been MY job, so I looked at mom.<\/p>\n
She nodded and said, \u201cI said David can look at the map because I need you in the front seat looking at the Triptik.\u201d I remembered that dad had looked at the Triptik last time and told mom where we were and how soon we had to change to another road. That was a more important job than just looking at the map, though I always really liked looking at maps.<\/p>\n
Usually I would just nod and not say anything. I had been doing that as far back as I could remember, since I was a little kid. But as Mike had said the other day, we weren\u2019t little kids anymore, we weren\u2019t even children anymore.<\/p>\n
So, \u201cCool\u201d, I said, finally smiling and nodding my head. I quickly fixed myself a bowl of Cheerios too and ate them.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a little bit different this time\u201d, she said, \u201cBecause it takes us up 401 farther north to Brantford, and then across to Hamilton on several different highways to the Queen Elizabeth Way which will take us to Niagara Falls where we\u2019ll spend the night tonight. Then tomorrow morning we continue on QEW down to Fort Erie and across the Peace Bridge and back on our same route as last year.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo we get to see Niagara Falls?\u201d David asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYep\u201d, said mom, \u201cThis afternoon, after we check into our motel room.\u201d She held up a piece of paper. \u201cThe Auto Club said it should be about five or six hours of driving to get there today, so we should have the rest of the afternoon and the evening if we need it to go see the Falls. Then tomorrow we have\u2026 or I HAVE\u2026 a longer day of maybe nine or 10 hours of driving to get to the Cape. But we\u2019ll take our time, stop for lunch and dinner and any bathroom breaks and get there when we get there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood\u201d, said David, nodding, \u201cI\u2019ve always wanted to see Niagara Falls.\u201d Mom laughed, not just through her nose but a regular one.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, sweetie\u201d, she said touching David\u2019s shoulder with her hand, \u201cYou just sound so grown up all of a sudden.\u201d I remembered when she used to say that kind of stuff about me. Maybe Davied didn\u2019t SOUND like a little kid all the time anymore, but I REALLY WASN\u2019T a little kid anymore. I wanted to make sure that David knew that he and I were different that way.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So we were on the super boring 401 freeway going across all the clear terrain of Ontario near London, the Canadaian city I guess named after the real London in England. Mom would close and open her eyes and also yawn sometimes.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, Coolie\u201d, mom said, \u201cI\u2019m getting bored listening to the radio. I enjoy J.P. McCarthy for maybe a half hour or an hour tops, but then he starts to put me to sleep, particularly on this mind numbingly boring highway. And I appreciate you trying that other station that you like, uh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCKLW\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, she said, \u201cThat one. I know they have music you kids like, but most of it doesn\u2019t do anything for me, and I feel like such an old lady, but it\u2019s jazz and big bands that get me going.\u201d I nodded, but knew what was probably next. We\u2019d been driving for a couple hours, now by all those farms that looked the same across Ontario in Canada.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what should we talk about?\u201d she asked. David was reading a Batman comic book in the backseat.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, I said. I wasn\u2019t used to thinking up things to talk to mom about. When she asked me to come into her room at home and sit in the rocking chair, she usually talked to ME about stuff SHE wanted to talk about, not the other way around.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u201d, she said, \u201cHow\u2019s your summer been? Compared to last summer?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBetter\u201d, I said, though I knew she\u2019d want me to say more.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy\u2019s that?\u201d she asked. I think she already knew what I was going to say, but she wanted me to say it so she could listen to me talk.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I didn\u2019t break my collarbone, so I got to play baseball all summer\u201d, I said, \u201cLittle League and pickup games.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I was a kid it was only pickup games\u201d, she said, \u201cThey didn\u2019t even have Little League even for BOYS back then. They still don\u2019t let girls play, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope!\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s fair\u201d, she said fiercely, \u201cIf a girl can hit and run and catch and throw, why shouldn\u2019t she be able to play. It\u2019s not like it’s a contact sport like football. Right? What do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n
What did I think? Mike probably wouldn\u2019t think it was fair, so maybe I didn\u2019t either.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, I said, \u201cIt\u2019s not fair. It\u2019s just that girls and boys my age don\u2019t usually play together or even talk to each other.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do you think that is?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u201d, she said, \u201cIf you had to make a guess what would you say? You\u2019re a smart kid, you usually have good ideas about things.\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t like it when she said stuff like that, like I had to come up with a good answer or maybe I wasn\u2019t really smart anymore. Out of the corner of my eye I saw David behind us put down his Batman comic book because he wanted to hear my answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, I said again, but I knew she\u2019d make me say more, \u201cBoys just think it\u2019s bad to talk to girls, like you\u2019ll get all weird and stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike you\u2019ll get cooties and even be a sissy?\u201d she asked. I couldn\u2019t believe she said \u201csissy\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cKind of\u201d, I said, \u201cYeah, I guess, maybe.\u201d I REALLY did not want to talk about this with her, but I knew I had to keep talking about SOMETHING, but it had to be something else.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo I thought I did really good in Little League baseball this summer\u201d, I said,<\/p>\n
\u201cWell good for you\u201d, she said, \u201cI know you missed practically the whole season last year, so I bet it feels good not to lose your skills and your edge.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy edge? I asked, I knew what skills were.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, she said, still looking out at the road ahead, \u201cYour ability to play consistently well and make the big play when needed, and get the clutch hit. Does that make sense?\u201d I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never want your father or me to watch you play\u201d, she said, \u201cI mean I respect that, but I\u2019m curious why.\u201d Well that was a tough question too, but it was better than talking about being a sissy.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u2026\u201d, I said, using that word that grownups used so much to give me time to think. I thought about what Mike might say.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just like to have fun playing baseball\u201d, I said, \u201cEven Little League. I don\u2019t like people watching me because then it feels more like it\u2019s just about trying to win.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay\u201d, she said, \u201cI get that. But isn\u2019t trying to win just part of the fun? It is for me when I play tennis. You know, trying to make good shots. Trying to play my best.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe\u201d, I said, \u201cI DO always want to play my best, but if someone\u2019s watching me then I worry about it more. I just want to be thinking about the game, hitting or fielding, and not worry about people watching me and what they think about me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHmm\u201d, she said, nodding slowly as she looked out ahead, \u201cThat makes sense. I guess I\u2019m more competitive than you are.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s competitive mean?\u201d David asked from the backseat.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means you really want to win, sweetie\u201d, she said, leaning her head back and turning it to look at him for just a second, \u201cAnd you look for everything you can do to help you win.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEven bad stuff?\u201d David asked. That was a good question but I would have never asked mom that. Mom sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u201d, she said, \u201cHopefully not bad stuff like cheating or being nasty.\u201d After that, I wasn\u2019t sure what to say next, so we were all quiet for the moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m afraid when it comes to MY sport, tennis\u201d, she said sighing, \u201cI\u2019ve pretty much lost MY competitive edge. I can\u2019t make the shots I used to be able to make.\u201d She shook her head slowly as she looked out at the road. She glanced at me and said, \u201cIt\u2019s sad!\u201d<\/p>\n
It WAS sad. I had never thought of grownups not being able to do things as well as they used to. I was used to them thinking they could always do everything perfect.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes\u201d, she said, sounding sad all of a sudden, \u201cI feel like I\u2019ve made a mess of my life, except of course for having you two. You and your brother are my big win, my championship.\u201d<\/p>\n
That was REALLY sad, thinking you made a mess of your life. I had never heard anyone tell me anything like that. She sighed again and I could see tears in her eye and one running down her cheek.<\/p>\n
\u201cSweetie\u201d, she said to me, \u201cCan you open the glove compartment and get me a kleenex?\u201d I did and she said thanks, scrunching it up and touching her eyes with it.<\/p>\n
We stopped to get gas at that same giant gas station place we\u2019d stopped at last year when we drove to Cape Cod, but this time we got lunch at this \u201cdiner\u201d place. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich so David got one too, and mom ordered tuna salad. Then she said she had to go to the bathroom and she was gone a long time before she came back, so long that I was starting to worry, like what would I do if she didn\u2019t come back. But finally she did.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry guys\u201d, she said, puffing her cheeks and blowing air out of her month, \u201cIt\u2019s just my time of the month, but I\u2019m fine now.\u201d I heard her talk about her \u201ctime of the month\u201d before with other women and had also called it \u201cthe curse\u201d, but it didn\u2019t sound like something they would want to talk about with kids or even grownup men.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
This time, we continued to drive up 401, past where we turned off last year, to this city called Woodstock. David even took a turn in the front seat, though I still was the one looking at the Triptik and telling mom where and when to turn. It said we should get on this smaller two-lane Highway 2 that went to this town called Paris, and I messed up telling mom where to turn on to Highway 5. I thought she\u2019d get mad at me, but she laughed instead and said that it was okay, and found a gas station where she went inside to ask directions. We got back to the 5 which took us to the 99, and we got to Hamilton and turned on to Highway 8 which took us on to this other freeway, 403, which took us to the \u201cQEW\u201d, the Queen Elizabeth Way, which would take us to Niagara Falls.<\/p>\n
Mom said Queen Elizabeth was the queen of England, which I already knew, but she said she was also the queen of a bunch of other countries like Scotland, Wales, Australia, New Zealand AND Canada. She said that unlike in the old days, with the original Queen Elizabeth, the current Queen was just a \u201cfigurehead\u201d, and Canada, England and those other countries were governed by a prime minister and parliament, just like our country was governed by a president and congress.<\/p>\n
The part of QEW we were driving on was really neat because it was up high like a very long bridge. They called the road a \u201cskyway\u201d, which was a really neat name. But there was still an actual bridge part that the ships went underneath. To the left of the skyway was Lake Ontario, which went off as far as you could see, like the Atlantic Ocean or Lake Michigan. And on the right was a smaller body of water that the Triptik said was Hamilton Harbor. Later on we even went over the beginning part of the Welland Canal, and since I was the one looking at the Triptik, I got to tell it to mom and David.<\/p>\n
Finally we got to Niagara Falls and the Triptik even had a page to get from QEW right to our motel, which was also pretty neat. Our room was at the Park Lane Motel, which had a little sign on its big sign in front that said \u201cFREE TV IN EVERY ROOM\u201d. I wondered what a TV that wasn\u2019t free would be like, if you had to put coins in it like a jukebox. We stopped by the office part and we went in with mom because we were all sick of sitting in the car. The guy behind the desk, the \u201cdesk clerk\u201d, gave mom a key to our room. We got back in the car and drove it right in front of the door to our room, and took our suitcases, bags of food and cooler inside.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
It was the next morning and we got back on QEW to take it to the \u201cend of the line\u201d at Fort Erie, and cross over the Peace Bridge to get to the New York State Thruway like we did last year. Yesterday afternoon we\u2019d gone to see the Falls and got to see them from up high above them, but also through a tunnel so we could see behind them, which was REALLY neat. I had never seen anything so powerful, with so much energy. In the tunnel, that close to the water crashing down from above, the energy of it was even scary, when I realized that there were things in the world way more powerful than people were, even grownups. And my imagination kept feeling like I was being pulled into it.<\/p>\n
As we crossed the Peace Bridge over the Niagara River, I remembered crossing it last year, but I could also see the railroad track bridge where we crossed it when I was just a little kid, the first time we went to visit my grandparents in Binghamton. That was still the best time, because it was a train and it was nighttime and it was winter too, and I remembered looking through the window of our cozy sleeping compartment and seeing the little icebergs in the river below. The train was cozier than the car because all of us could just be under the covers in the sleeping compartment. In the car, even when we turned the back seats INTO a kind of sleeping compartment, still mom or dad in the front seats had to drive, which didn\u2019t feel quite as cozy.<\/p>\n
Mom said that driving today, though longer, should be less boring because, \u201cThe Thruway goes through much nicer landscape in Upstate New York than 401 through Southern Ontario.\u201d From playing all my wargames on those mapboards with \u201csquares\u201d, actually hexagons really, with all the different terrain, specially in Battle of the Bulge and Waterloo like roads, rivers, rough terrain, woods and cities, I was seeing the terrain we were driving through like it was squares on a mapboard. We were following the road, the Thruway, through a bunch of squares that were mostly clear terrain, but also some woods and cities. And alongside us at times, were river squares of the Mohawk River which we even crossed sometimes, and I imagined how the road and river would look on the mapboard.<\/p>\n
While she drove I searched for stations on the radio playing songs that mom liked, or ones that David and I liked that we wanted her to hear. I found stations playing Frank Sinatra songs, \u201cStrangers in the Night\u201d and \u201cThe Summer Wind\u201d. Tom Jones songs, \u201cIt\u2019s Not Unusual\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s New Pussycat\u201d. Tony Bennett songs, \u201cFly Me to the Moon\u201d and \u201cThe Shadow of Your Smile\u201d. And even Ella Fitzgerald singing a Beatles\u2019 song, \u201cHard Days Night\u201d, though David and I didn\u2019t think it was very good the way she sang it. And of course we found songs David and I liked by the Beatles, the Supremes, the Beach Boys, the Association, the Rolling Stones, and the Temptations.<\/p>\n
One radio station we\u2019d been listening to, even played that \u201cHanky Panky\u201d song by Tommy James and the Shondells. Mom said she LIKED that one, though I was embarrassed and didn\u2019t want to talk about it or ask her why she liked it.<\/p>\n
After we\u2019d listened to a bunch of songs, ones she liked and ones we liked, she said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m not one of those old fogies who thinks all the rock and roll and Motown music that you guys listen to is just noise or a bunch of crap. There are some of your songs that I like. I just grew up on music that was different, had that BEAT, that SWING, that just made you want to get up and dance. I grew up listening to songs with sexy saxophones, not wailing electric guitars.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA lot of the Motown songs have saxophones\u201d, I said, trying to stand up for my generation\u2019s music.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey do, you\u2019re right\u201d, she said, nodding as she drove, \u201cIt was just all different back then. When WE danced, we held each other and moved around the dance floor together as partners. Now I see the older kids just dancing by themselves, doing the Twist or the Watusi or whatever, yeah maybe across from their partner, but doing their own thing. For me, REAL dancing is hand in hand, arm around his waist, lots of energy, \u2018cutting a rug\u2019 as they used to say, and doing it TOGETHER.\u201d She swayed the top part of her body from side to side as she drove, and moved her shoulders up and down like she was dancing in her seat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are your thoughts?\u201d she asked us, \u201cI know you two are not old enough to have girlfriends and go to dances.\u201d I assumed she was asking our thoughts on music, not on having girlfriends or NOT having girlfriends. I felt I had to answer somehow, to say what I liked about OUR music, or she would just win the argument and think I was still just a little kid.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, I said, which was something I said a lot before I said what I was thinking. But I knew I had to tell her what I WAS thinking, or it would seem like I was still a little kid and not able to explain my thinking to a grownup. Specially mom, who always seemed to have everything figured out and better arguments than I did.<\/p>\n
\u201cA lot of OUR songs\u201d, I said, \u201cAre about trying to figure stuff out, you know, about growing up, about war and peace, and yeah, about boyfriend girlfriend stuff too. Not all this, \u2018Oh we\u2019re in love, let\u2019s dance and get married\u2019 stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n
She kind of snorted out a laugh through her nose and asked, \u201cIs that what the songs I like sound like to you?\u201d I got worried that she was going to get mad at me, and explain to me all the ways I was wrong.<\/p>\n
\u201cUh\u201d, I said, \u201cKind of.\u201d Trying to be a little nicer.<\/p>\n
Now she nodded. \u201cOkay\u201d, she said, \u201cFair enough. I get that.\u201d She glanced at me and her eyes twinkled and she said, \u201cThanks for being honest. It\u2019s refreshing to finally get a glimpse of what you really think.\u201d I didn\u2019t expect her to say that and I wasn\u2019t sure how to react. Was I in some strange new place now where she wanted me to tell her everything I was thinking? That sounded really complicated, really BAD!<\/p>\n
I went back to changing the radio station and listening for good songs. But when I couldn\u2019t find any, we\u2019d at least TALK about music, what our favorite songs were. Mom still liked Frank Sinatra best, and his newer \u201cStrangers in the Night\u201d song which I thought was pretty stupid\u2026<\/p>\n
Strangers in the night exchanging glances
\nWondering in the night what were the chances
\nWe’d be sharing love before the night was through<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI mean I figured real people, even grownups, didn\u2019t just look at some stranger and suddenly like them more than anybody else! But, I didn\u2019t tell HER that.<\/p>\n
She said she liked Tom Jones and his \u201cIt\u2019s Not Unusual\u201d song, but she didn\u2019t like his newer \u201cThunderball\u201d song. David of course, asked her why, and she said that the man he was singing about, which I figured was James Bond but she hadn\u2019t seen any of his movies or read any of his books, was someone she had \u201cno interest in meeting or spending any time with\u201d, because he seemed \u201cfull of himself\u201d and a \u201cwomanizer\u201d. Though I liked the movie, or at least liked watching the movie, I didn\u2019t like that song either, because it made James Bond seem like somebody who wasn\u2019t very nice, and he was supposed to be the goodguy. And maybe, like she said, he WAS full of himself. I mean I knew what being full of yourself meant, but I had to think about what it meant to be a \u201cwomanizer\u201d.<\/p>\n
When she was done with her favorites, I said, \u201cI like the Beatles, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, I said, \u201cAll my friends and pretty much all kids like them.\u201d<\/p>\n
While still reading a comic David said, \u201cMe and all my friends like them too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay\u201d, she said, \u201cTop of your list then. Who else?\u201d<\/p>\n
I wanted her to be impressed by all the great music WE had, maybe more than SHE had, so I went down a whole list of bands, \u201cThe Rolling Stones, the Beach Boys, the Association, the Supremes, the Temptations, the Vandellas, the Kinks.\u201d I looked back at David in the backseat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho am I missing?\u201d I asked him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a bunch of other neat songs right now\u201d, he said, \u201c\u2018Red Rubber Ball\u2019, \u2018Sunny\u2019, \u2018Hey There Little Red Riding Hood\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd \u2018Wild Things\u2019\u201d, I said, \u201cBy the Troggs.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey call themselves the Troggs?\u201d mom asked, giving me a funny look like she couldn\u2019t believe it and shaking her head, \u201cWho would name their band \u2018the Troggs\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u201d, I said, starting to enjoy this, \u201cThere\u2019s another band called Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay\u201d, she said, still shaking her head, \u201cThat\u2019s still a lot better than \u2018the Troggs\u2019.\u201d She started to laugh, and David and I laughed too.<\/p>\n
David decided that he could shock her even more, and said, \u201cThere\u2019s a song called \u2018They\u2019re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a song?\u201d mom asked, her eyes wide.<\/p>\n
\u201cYep\u201d, I said, feeling good, even proud, that we kids had so many great bands and songs, even a super silly and strange one.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a silly one\u201d, I said, \u201cBut they play it a lot on the radio.\u201d And David just started singing the words from the song, though it was more like talking to the beat than actually singing different notes. David and his friends knew all the words to the verses, but he only did the chorus part, but did it in that same up and down way like the guy on the radio\u2026<\/p>\n
They\u00b4re coming to take me away ha ha
\nThey\u00b4re coming to take me away,
\nHo ho, hee hee, ha ha,
\nTo the funny farm
\nWhere life is beautiful all the time
\nAnd I\u00b4ll be happy to see
\nThose nice young men in their clean white coats
\nAnd they\u00b4re coming to take me AWAY HA HAAAA<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\u201cOh my god\u201d, mom said, making a really worried look, \u201cThat\u2019s a SONG, on the RADIO?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYep\u201d, said David, \u201cMy friends and I know ALL the words! Do you want to hear some more?\u201d<\/p>\n
Mom took a hand off the steering wheel and held it in the air. \u201cNo no no\u201d, she said, \u201cThat\u2019s plenty.\u201d<\/p>\n
I said my latest Beatles favorite songs were \u201cDaytripper\u201d and \u201cPaperback Writer\u201d. David liked \u201cDaytripper\u201d too, and \u201cNowhere Man\u201d, but then mom started trying to get us to sing them. We were able to convince her that \u201cDaytripper\u201d was too hard to sing without the \u201cder der der\u201d guitar parts, but she just kept teasing us that she \u201cSO wants to hear you guys sing\u201d, so we finally agreed to sing \u201cNowhere Man\u201d\u2026<\/p>\n
He\u2019s a real nowhere man
\nSitting in his nowhere land
\nMaking all his nowhere plans for nobody<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI\u2019m not sure why, but I always felt like some stupid little kid doing what they\u2019re told when we sang for her, specially THAT song, about a guy who doesn\u2019t think he\u2019s important and doesn\u2019t know what he\u2019s doing, so kind of like a stupid little kid really\u2026<\/p>\n
Doesn\u2019t have a point of view
\nKnows not where he\u2019s going to
\nIsn\u2019t he a bit like you and me<\/p><\/blockquote>\nBut we sang it, because it would be weird to just say no when she really needed us to help her. Maybe if we could have sung a more complicated song, like \u201cDaytripper\u201d or \u201cPaperback Writer\u201d, I wouldn\u2019t have felt that way.<\/p>\n
Nowhere man, please listen
\nYou don\u2019t know what you\u2019re missing
\nNowhere man, the world is at your command<\/p><\/blockquote>\nEvery time we got hungry we stopped to eat, so mom could also have a break from driving. Sometimes we\u2019d stop just because she said \u201cnature calls\u201d, which I guess meant that she had to go to the bathroom. I could tell she was getting tired of driving from the way her eyes looked. She said it was hard to stare at the road ahead for hours and hours, even with breaks.<\/p>\n
We finally left the New York State Thruway and got on the Massachusetts Turnpike, which went through a lot of what would be rough terrain squares on a gameboard map, in the beginning part of Massachusetts. When we got to Springfield, mom said she wasn\u2019t sure she could keep going, and we might have to find another motel to spend the night. But we went to this restaurant for dinner and she was able to get fried clams that she REALLY liked, which made her happy, and after sitting in the restaurant for an hour or so, she said she was okay to \u201ctough it out to the Cape\u201d.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
It was after nine o\u2019clock when we crossed the Sagamore bridge, which was the beginning part of the Cape, and me and David had fun teasing mom by saying \u201cWe\u2019re almost there\u201d every few minutes.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, alright all ready\u201d, she said in a kind of silly fierce way, \u201cWho are you two and what did you do with my wonderful children!\u201d We all laughed.<\/p>\n
It was after nine when we finally got to \u201cLongnook Road\u201d, you could barely see the sign in the cloudy dark, without even any moonlight. Mom said it was just over half a mile down the road to the driveway off to the right where our cottage was. There weren\u2019t any street lights so with no moon it was really dark, and our car lights only showed what was ahead of us and not what was on the sides. She watched that \u201codometer\u201d thing on the dashboard in front of her that counted the miles, and when she\u2019d just counted to five tenths we found it, and turned into the driveway. David and I did one more \u201cWe\u2019re almost there\u201d.<\/p>\n
There were three small houses, not right next to each other like where we lived, but farther apart. The one in the middle had all its lights on and was the biggest, because it had a second floor. The other two just had one floor and were dark. An old woman came out on the porch of the bigger house, she was all lit up by our headlights. Another pair of eyes below her under the porch glowed green in the light, and I figured that was probably one of her three cats.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As I walked by her open bedroom door, the TV was on and I could see all the pieces of paper on mom\u2019s bed. I couldn\u2019t quite see her, but I knew she was in there, sitting cross-legged at the head of her bed, trying to pay the bills. It was a thing she had […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[1777,13,1774,1773,1799,1800,1775],"class_list":["post-7925","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adventure","tag-1960s","tag-ann-arbor","tag-autobiography","tag-childhood","tag-free-range-kid","tag-growing-up","tag-memoir"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t