{"id":7765,"date":"2024-03-14T11:32:49","date_gmt":"2024-03-14T18:32:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/?p=7765"},"modified":"2024-03-14T11:32:52","modified_gmt":"2024-03-14T18:32:52","slug":"clubius-contained-part-22-panic-attack-april-1964","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/2024\/03\/14\/clubius-contained-part-22-panic-attack-april-1964\/","title":{"rendered":"Clubius Contained Part 22 – Panic Attack (April 1964)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Aunt Pat kissed me on the cheek, looked at me and said, \u201cTell your mom I\u2019m thinking of her and that you and your Aunt \u2018Hant\u2019 Pat had a great time together and you’re welcome back any time!\u201d I nodded and told her that I would. Aunt Pat liked to tease me that before I knew what an \u201caunt\u201d was, I thought her regular name was \u201cHant Pat\u201d. And then when I found out what an \u201caunt\u201d was, and figured out that was what she was, I called her \u201cAunt Hant Pat\u201d. I usually didn\u2019t like people teasing me, but because it was her, and she felt like my big grown up older sister, I was okay, but only on this one thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd tell her\u201d, she said grinning, \u201cThat you insisted on wearing these same pants every day you were here, despite having others in your suitcase and these probably in great need of a wash at this point.\u201d She laughed through her nose like a grownup. I pushed my lips together and didn\u2019t nod or say anything. Those pants with the stripes down the side WERE my favorite.<\/p>\n

She wagged a finger at me and said, \u201cSo you\u2019re going to throw your Aunt \u2018Hant\u2019 Pat under the bus, are you? Let my sister think I didn\u2019t even try to get you to change your clothes while you were here.\u201d I did a big smile and nodded my head. Now she did a regular laugh.<\/p>\n

She looked up at the woman with the airplane uniform on and said, \u201cHe\u2019s all yours!\u201d The woman nodded, looked down at me, held her hand out to the open door where a man in another airplane uniform was standing, holding it open.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis way young man\u201d, she said. I walked out the open door and felt her fingers just touch my back. The wind was blowing outside and the sky was gray. I walked up the little stairway to the open door into the plane at the back by the tail and she followed me up. I always liked to run up stairs but I figured I shouldn\u2019t run up these because I didn\u2019t want to get in trouble. Inside the plane I looked down toward the front and it looked the same as the one I had gone on to fly out here to visit Aunt Pat last Saturday.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got a seat for you up near the front on the left\u201d, the woman in the uniform said, \u201cSo you don\u2019t have to sit by the smokers. Your aunt said you prefer a window seat so I\u2019m glad we had one for you.\u201d I thought it was strange that you could have a uniform that was also a dress, but she WAS a woman.<\/p>\n

I looked out the little round window and saw Aunt Pat standing by the big window of the building looking out, but I figured she couldn\u2019t see me.<\/p>\n

She seemed more like a grownup than the last time I\u2019d seen her a couple years ago, though she still tried to be more like a kid, specially when she and I were alone together. Now she was married to this guy named Ray who was now my \u201cUncle Ray\u201d. He was nice, but way more like a grownup than she was.<\/p>\n

She and I had fun while I was there. We drove up to this place called \u201cSeneca Lake\u201d and this town called \u201cWatkins Glen\u201d, where she said mom and my Uncle John were kids and used to live with THEIR mom and dad who were MY grandparents, but Aunt Pat wasn\u2019t born yet. She showed me more pictures she said were of mom as a little girl, but that still seemed hard to imagine that mom used to be a kid like me. But I had seen Aunt Pat change from what seemed like an older kid when I first remembered her, into more like a grownup now. She was married and everything, and not living with my grandparents anymore. She and Uncle Ray lived in one of those \u201capartment\u201d places, where you live in part of it, and other people live in the other parts.<\/p>\n

But now I was going to have my own adventure of flying in an airplane again, all by myself. I had seen so much flying in airplanes from watching Sky King with Molly and in other shows too, and from reading Tom Swift books, but coming to visit Aunt Pat was the first time I had done it for real. Some of my friends had already been on a real airplane, but they had gone with their mom and dad. I was the only one who had gone on an airplane ALL BY MYSELF.<\/p>\n

It had been really neat coming to Binghamton on the plane, because I got to look out the window the whole time and see the ground way below us. When we first took off, I could see roads, houses, buildings and cars. But as we got higher up I could only see green parts and brown parts. Some of them looked like squares. There was even this really big blue part we flew over what the captain said was \u201cLake Erie\u201d, which was one of those \u201cGreat Lakes\u201d, like that \u201cLake Michigan\u201d that Molly and I swam in in Saugatuck. Sometimes there were clouds BELOW us instead of above us and we couldn\u2019t even see the ground. At one part there was blue above us and below us so it looked like there wasn\u2019t any ground anymore, only sky above and below. That was really weird, maybe like being in space, if space was blue instead of black.<\/p>\n

And now I could do it all again. The propellers on the plane\u2019s engines started going and then the plane started moving away from the place we got on. That woman in the airplane uniform showed us how to hook and unhook our seatbelts, and then she came down the walking part between all the seats and made sure we all had ours on. She even reached down and pulled on the belt part of mine to make sure it was on tight, but it already was. The plane went on the airplane roads out to the long straight one that was the \u201crunway\u201d. Then it stopped and the engines got really noisy and there was a jerk and the plane started rolling down the runway, faster and faster. The feeling of the speed was really exciting. Mom said she didn\u2019t like to fly, but I REALLY liked it.<\/p>\n

Suddenly I could feel we were off the ground a little bit and then we started to go up quickly. There was a rumbling noise underneath me like machines were turning on and off. I looked out the window and I could see houses and roads and cars, getting smaller as we went up. I wanted to keep watching to see when we got so high that you couldn\u2019 see them anymore and they changed into just those squares of brown and green. Then we flew into this fog and wisps of it shot by the window really fast and I couldn\u2019t see anything. The plane shook up and down a little, but I figured if the plane was still going forward it would be okay, and that woman in the airplane uniform and all the other people on the plane didn\u2019t look worried, so no way I was going to, since they\u2019d think I was a scared kid.<\/p>\n

I could feel us still going up and the white stuff went away to see blue sky with the white clouds below us. I guess we had just flown through a cloud. The puffy clouds below us were neat looking but made it hard to see the ground below. When I could see it, it was looking like green and brown patches now as I could feel that we were still going up.<\/p>\n

Then the pilot used that radio thing to tell us that we\u2019d reached our \u201ccruising altitude of 18,000 feet\u201d and that he was \u201cturning off the fasten seatbelt sign\u201d, that meant we could unhook our belts and even walk around. But I just wanted to look out the window and see when we flew over that giant blue \u201cLake Erie\u201d again.<\/p>\n

When that woman came pushing her thing with the wheels and asked me if I wanted something to drink, then I stopped looking out the window and watched her while she found me a Coke and poured it into one of those clear plastic glasses like I\u2019d seen grownups use to drink that punch stuff at the parties at Molly\u2019s house. Then when she went down to the next person I looked out the window again.<\/p>\n

As I looked out and saw all the clouds below, I thought about Aunt Pat, and how she wasn\u2019t living with HER mom and dad, my grandparents, anymore. Other people might think she was a regular grownup, but I knew that she still wasn\u2019t, that she was still like a kid, but she couldn\u2019t be that way anymore around other grownups, like that Uncle Ray guy she married. I figured that I would get to be as old as she was and I wondered if grownups would expect ME to act like one of them too. I wondered if mom and dad had that kid part inside them too, but they didn\u2019t want to show it to anybody, except maybe to me or David but only once in a while.<\/p>\n

Aunt Pat showed me those pictures of mom when she was a kid my age and said that mom had told her that she had been a \u201ctomboy\u201d, and never liked to play with dolls like other girls. Aunt Pat said she didn\u2019t know for sure because she hadn\u2019t been born yet, but that\u2019s what \u201cmy big sister told me\u201d. Looking at those pictures of mom as a kid, she had that same big smile and eyes.<\/p>\n

I thought about the hands of a clock again. Always moving, pointing at different numbers, but you couldn\u2019t SEE them move.<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t seem to take very long before the captain pilot guy said that we were getting ready to land at Willow Run airport. I liked how when we were landing the plane bounced a little bit on the runway and the engines got really noisy again and I could feel the force of it trying to slow down, then moving slowly enough that it became like a giant car on the special airplane roads. We stopped by a building and that woman in the airplane uniform opened the door and the grownups sitting with me stood up and started going off the plane. The grownup sitting behind me stood up but waited for me to go first so I did.<\/p>\n

When I got to the front of the plane, the woman in the uniform told me to wait next to her until all the other \u201cpassengers\u201d went out first. The pilot was there too and he put his hand on my shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cWas this your first flight son?\u201d he asked. I shook my head. \u201cSecond\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll by yourself?\u201d he asked. I nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cYep\u201d, I said, like it was no big deal. He laughed through his nose and I kept nodding and I laughed through my nose too.<\/p>\n

Then when all the other \u201cpassengers\u201d had gone out, the woman in the uniform walked behind me down the stairs thing and into the building where dad was, watching me and waving.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I woke up the next morning in my top bunk bed and could feel the cold air from the outside coming through the window even though it was closed. It was almost my birthday and it still felt like winter. I wondered when my birthday party was going to be and if it would be outside in the park or inside in the house. Mom and dad said they were waiting for the weather to get warmer so we could have it in the park.<\/p>\n

David was already up, he almost always got up before I did, and was probably down in the basement playing. I heard mom and dad talking in the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re letting it get to you, Liz\u201d, dad said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow can you NOT let it get to you\u201d, mom said, \u201cAfter seeing all that devastation on the news reports last night, I just can\u2019t even imagine what those people in Alaska must be going through after a massive earthquake like that. My mind just wouldn\u2019t let me stop thinking about it last night. YOU saw it too. How did you manage to sleep last night?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u201d, he said, \u201cWhen you\u2019ve been through a war, driven through, bombed out cities, slept in a tent or a halftrack but never a proper bed, been up all night, you learn how to sleep anytime and anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd when are we going to do Coop\u2019s birthday?\u201d she asked, \u201cIt\u2019s goddamn freezing out there, Eric, and it\u2019s supposed to be even colder tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s just schedule it for next Saturday and hope for the best\u201d, dad said, \u201cAnd then worst case we do it in the house like his sixth birthday party.\u201d<\/p>\n

I heard mom breathe out air really loud. \u201cThat only worked because Margie brought over her records and record player and turned it into a dance party\u201d, mom said, \u201cAnd you were still a starving grad student back then so people maybe understood. But now you’re a college professor and we still have no goddamn furniture. It\u2019s embarrassing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cC\u2019mon Liz\u201d, dad said, \u201cOur friends would understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI DON\u2019T understand\u201d, mom said, \u201cWhy can\u2019t Eastern pay you enough so we can buy some goddamn furniture.\u201d I could hear her voice sounding different, like she was ready to start crying.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I can pick up some part-time work\u201d, dad said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Jesus Eric\u201d, mom said, now sounding mad, \u201cYou\u2019re already way too busy as it is. You\u2019d never be here. And now you have to go to that conference Monday in Chicago. It\u2019s hard enough keeping all the balls in the air when both of us are here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just three days\u201d, he said, \u201cAnd it\u2019ll look good on my CV when it comes to getting tenure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know if you understand\u201d, mom said, \u201cSometimes I just feel like I\u2019m hanging by a thread. And I had plans too Eric, we talked about this. You were going to get your PhD and a professor job and then I was going to go back to school and get my masters. That\u2019s never going to happen, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Liz\u201d, dad said, \u201cSure it is. Everything is just taking longer than we thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight now it feels like it\u2019s taking way TOO long\u201d, mom said, \u201cI can\u2019t keep this up. We\u2019ve been married almost fourteen years now and I feel like I\u2019m just a maid and a nanny watching you slowly achieve YOUR goals.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJeez Liz\u201d, dad said, \u201cThat\u2019s not fair. We\u2019re both in this together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026 maybe not fair\u201d, mom said, \u201cBut that\u2019s how I\u2019m feeling right now, I\u2019m not going to sugarcoat it for you!\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I hadn\u2019t felt very hungry last night because my stomach felt bad, and this morning when I woke up my whole body felt weak and my head hurt. David had got up and gone in the kitchen to eat breakfast, and then mom had come into our room to check on me.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou still not feeling right?\u201d she asked. I nodded. She put her hand on my forehead, \u201cYou feel warm. Better stay home from school this morning and rest. You may have picked something up on your trip. We\u2019ll see how you are at lunchtime. You hungry for breakfast?\u201d I shook my head.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh Coolie\u201d, she said, shaking her head, she hadn\u2019t called me that nickname in a while, \u201cWhat are we going to do?\u201d She asked questions like that sometimes that I really didn\u2019t know how to answer. She seemed sad and worried about stuff she was thinking about.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour dad\u2019s off to Chicago for a couple of days for a conference\u201d, she said, \u201cIt\u2019s part of his job, I get that, but I\u2019m just not used to doing everything here by myself.\u201d She stood up and moved her head back and squeezed the back of her neck with her hand a couple times and groaned.<\/p>\n

\u201cI got to get your brother off to school\u201d, she said, \u201cAnd then I\u2019ll be back with an aspirin and a cup of water for you to drink.\u201d I nodded, and she walked out of my room and back into the kitchen. I heard David asking her if I wasn\u2019t feeling well.<\/p>\n

Still laying in bed, I felt the cold air outside from the window near our bed, and even though I was under the covers my body shivered. I heard the front door open, mom telling David to have a good day, then closing again. Then it was quiet. I didn\u2019t hear mom\u2019s footsteps or anything.<\/p>\n

The phone rang. I heard mom go into the kitchen and answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes this is Jane Zale\u201d, she said. Then she was quiet.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat can\u2019t be right\u201d, she said, \u201cI deposited my husband\u2019s check last Wednesday. I should have the receipt right here, hang on.\u201d She was quiet again.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my god\u201d, she said, sounding really worried, \u201cI must have forgotten to make the deposit. I\u2019m so sorry!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no\u201d, she said, \u201cI just sent out checks with all the monthly bills. I can run the check over right now. Please don\u2019t bounce any more of them.\u201d She was quiet again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d she asked, and was quiet again.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh dear god\u201d, she said, \u201cThank you for the call. My husband\u2019s out of town and my son is sick.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodbye\u201d, she said, and I heard her hang up the phone.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no\u201d, she said again, louder this time, \u201cNot now, not today. I can\u2019t do this today.\u201d I heard her walking around the living room making noises like she was trying to breathe. I could tell something was really wrong.<\/p>\n

I did my best to sit up on my top bunk and then slid down to the floor. I walked slowly out of my room to the hallway as I heard her continue to walk around the living room making funny breathing noises. I got to the hallway door to the living room and stopped and watched her.<\/p>\n

She saw me, and she looked really afraid. I couldn\u2019t remember ever seeing her look like that. She stared at me like she needed help.<\/p>\n

\u201cI CAN\u2019T BREATHE\u201d, she said. Then she sucked a bunch of air into her mouth and said it again, \u201cI CAN\u2019T BREATHE COOP\u201d. I suddenly felt really afraid too. I didn\u2019t know what to say or do. Was she going to die? Would it be my fault because I was the only one here to help her. Should I call the ambulance or the doctor or the hospital? But I couldn\u2019t move and just stared at her.<\/p>\n

Between gasps for air she said, \u201cJesus, what the hell is happening to me!\u201d She didn\u2019t look fierce like I would expect but just afraid.<\/p>\n

Finally I managed to say something. \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do. Should we call somebody? The doctor?\u201d She was breathing in and out really fast.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah\u201d, she said, \u201cCall someone\u2026 phone\u2019s in the kitchen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShould we call dad?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u201d, she said, \u201cHe\u2019s on the road.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShould we call Molly\u2019s house?\u201d I asked. Hers was the only phone number besides ours that I knew.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah\u201d, she said between gasps, \u201cCall Joan.\u201d<\/p>\n

I dialed Molly\u2019s number. The phone rang for a long time but no one answered.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo across the street and get Joyce\u201d, she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s Joyce?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cKENNY\u2019S MOM!\u201d she yelled, angry like I should know that, \u201cGo quickly, Coop. I feel like I\u2019m going to pass out.\u201d I wasn\u2019t sure what \u201cpass out\u201d meant, but it sounded like something you did before you died.<\/p>\n

Even though I had pajamas on and bare feet and didn\u2019t feel well I went out the front door into the cold and ran across the street to Kenny\u2019s house and rang the doorbell over and over. Finally his mom opened the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cCooper\u201d, she said, \u201cWhy are you in your pajamas and your bare feet? What\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mom says she can\u2019t breathe\u201d, I said, \u201cShe needs your help.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay\u201d, she said, \u201cLet\u2019s go\u201d. She came out the door, closed it and walked quickly across the street with me.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, I said, \u201cNothing happened. She just said she couldn\u2019t breathe.\u201d<\/p>\n

We went in our front door. The living room was empty but I could hear mom moaning in the kitchen and gasping for air.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u201d, said Kenny\u2019s mom, \u201cAre you there in the kitchen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Joyce, thank god\u201d, mom said, \u201cI\u2019m having trouble breathing!\u201d She started to gasp and cry at the same time.<\/p>\n

\u201cDear Jane\u201d, Kenny\u2019s mom said, taking her hand, \u201cHave you called your husband?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u201d, mom said.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I try and call him for you?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s on the goddamn road!\u201d, mom said fiercely, crying.<\/p>\n

Kenny\u2019s mom looked really worried when mom used that swear word but didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry Joyce\u201d, mom said, \u201cI can\u2019t think straight, please forgive me!\u201d Kenny\u2019s mom nodded slowly.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou’re forgiven\u201d, she said, \u201cI\u2019m just trying to get you some help.\u201d Mom nodded slowly and closed her eyes while she breathed out really fast. I could tell she just wanted what was happening to her to stop.<\/p>\n

\u201cShould I call the hospital, the ambulance?\u201d she asked, \u201cMy husband has our car so I can\u2019t take you there myself.\u201d Still breathing in and out fast, mom opened her eyes and shook her head like she didn\u2019t know. She looked like a scared kid. I was embarrassed for her, and for myself.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can try Matilda\u201d, she said, \u201cShe used to work as a nurse.\u201d Mom nodded quickly, her eyes closed now and still breathing fast. Kenny\u2019s mom used our phone and made a call. She explained to the person on the phone what was going on with mom.<\/p>\n

Finally she hung up and said, \u201cMatilda is on her way over, she said she might be able to help.\u201d Mom nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoyce. Thank you SO MUCH\u201d, she said, \u201cI couldn\u2019t deal with this without someone else.\u201d When she said that I felt bad that I couldn\u2019t be \u201csomeone else\u201d to help her. I felt like a stupid kid that didn\u2019t know anything.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh god\u201d, mom said, \u201cI feel like my heart is going to jump out of my body! Am I having a heart attack?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know Jane\u201d, Kenny\u2019s mom said, \u201cBut I don\u2019t think so. Hopefully Matilda will know what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

We were all quiet now. Mom sitting in the chair in the kitchen. Kenny\u2019s mom and me standing next to her.<\/p>\n

A station wagon came and parked in front of the house. I looked out the kitchen window and it was Molly\u2019s mom getting out.<\/p>\n

\u201cMolly\u2019s mom\u2019s here\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yeah\u201d, mom said, \u201cI guess I called her when you were getting Joyce. I can\u2019t even remember what I said to her.\u201d<\/p>\n

I watched Molly\u2019s mom run from her car to our front door and bang on the screen door. I ran into the living room and opened the door.<\/p>\n

She looked at me and asked, \u201cHow\u2019s your mom doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s in the kitchen with Kenny\u2019s mom\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay\u201d, she said, then looking at me in my pajamas, \u201cHow are YOU doing? Are you home sick?\u201d I nodded at the second question. I didn\u2019t know how to answer her first one, I didn\u2019t want to tell her about feeling embarrassed about mom.<\/p>\n

\u201cJANE\u201d, Molly\u2019s mom said loud, \u201cI\u2019M HERE!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re in the kitchen\u201d, said Kenny\u2019s mom. Molly\u2019s mom went to the door between the living room and kitchen and stood there. I couldn\u2019t really go in too because Molly\u2019s mom was in the way, so I just stood there feeling like a stupid kid who didn\u2019t feel well and didn\u2019t know what to do, and I had to wait for the grownups to figure things out. But I\u2019m glad they were there because I didn\u2019t want mom to die.<\/p>\n

I heard Kenny\u2019s mom tell Molly\u2019s mom everything that had happened. Finally Molly\u2019s mom said, \u201cJane, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s a heart attack, I think you\u2019re having a panic attack.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy would I have a panic attack?\u201d mom asked, still breathing hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, Molly\u2019s mom said, \u201cI know you\u2019ve been under a lot of stress lately trying to keep all the balls in the air.\u201d She took a quick look at me like there was stuff she didn\u2019t want to say because I was there. That made me feel like a more stupid kid.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u201d, she said, like she was talking to a kid, \u201cI can take you to the emergency room at U of M hospital if that would make you feel better.\u201d I couldn\u2019t hear mom say anything and I didn\u2019t know if she was nodding or shaking her head.<\/p>\n

There was another knock on the screen door. I opened it and it was Paul\u2019s mom. Molly\u2019s mom saw her from the doorway to the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cMatilda\u201d, she said, \u201cWe could sure use your help and nursing experience sorting this out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad I was home\u201d, Paul\u2019s mom said, \u201cBut I\u2019ve got something in the oven so I can\u2019t stay long.\u201d<\/p>\n

Molly\u2019s mom told her all the stuff that Kenny\u2019s mom had told her. I just stood in the mostly empty living room and listened.<\/p>\n

I heard Paul\u2019s mom say, \u201cJane, I\u2019m pretty damn sure you are having a panic attack and that you\u2019re hyperventilating. Do you have like a paper lunch bag or other small paper bag?\u201d I heard a cupboard open and the crunching sound of a paper bag being opened.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow Jane\u201d, she said, \u201cClose the opening of the bag over your mouth and breathe in and out slowly.\u201d There was a moment of silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know it sounds strange\u201d, Paul\u2019s mom said, \u201cBut it usually works.\u201d I heard the bag making crunching noises, I guess as mom breathed into it.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay good\u201d, Paul\u2019s mom said, \u201cKeep going and just try to relax and focus on your breathing.\u201d More bag noises but no one was talking in the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that better?\u201d she asked. Again I couldn\u2019t tell if mom was nodding or shaking her head, but Paul\u2019s mom said, \u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMatilda you\u2019re a lifesaver\u201d, I heard Molly\u2019s mom say.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes indeed\u201d, said Kenny\u2019s mom, \u201cThank you so much, Matilda.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHappy to do it\u201d, said Paul\u2019s mom, \u201cWe girls need to stick together. Jane, you probably should talk to your doctor or maybe even a psychologist about what might have caused this. When\u2019s Eric home?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThursday\u201d, mom said, \u201cHe\u2019s at a conference in Chicago.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got to get home or I\u2019ll burn my cookies\u201d, Paul\u2019s mom said, \u201cAnd then I\u2019ll have an unhappy hubby! Can you two sit with her a bit more and make sure she\u2019s okay? Worst case, run her to the ER at U of M hospital.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul\u2019s mom came out of the kitchen and looked at me standing in the living room. \u201cI think your mom\u2019s going to be okay young man, but YOU don\u2019t look so good.\u201d She put her hand on my forehead and nodded. \u201cYou need to drink some water and get back into bed.\u201d I nodded, still feeling pretty stupid and not able to do anything to help.<\/p>\n

Paul and Kenny\u2019s moms went home, but Molly\u2019s mom stayed, and she and mom went for a \u201cwalk around the block\u201d. I wondered if that was because they wanted to talk about stuff and didn\u2019t want me to hear what it was. When they got back, Molly\u2019s mom drove her car back to their house. And then before David came home from school, mom asked me to not say anything to him about what happened, because he was too young to understand. I wasn\u2019t sure I understood, but I said okay. I wondered if she\u2019d tell dad, but I didn\u2019t ask her.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

The next morning, Tuesday, I was feeling a little better, but mom said I should stay home from school one more day and reminded me not to tell David about what happened. When she looked at me she would smile, but it felt like more of a pretend smile, like she was thinking about a bunch of stuff that she was worrying about. After David came home from school and ate lunch, she took him over to the park to play while she sat in the middle of the park and watched him, like she used to do with me before she let me do whatever I wanted. I just played in the basement and watched shows on TV.<\/p>\n

I went to school on Wednesday and when I came home after school dad was back a day early from his \u201cconference\u201d. I guess he knew what had happened, though he and mom didn\u2019t talk about it at all, at least that I could hear, maybe because they didn\u2019t want David to find out. They also said they had decided to \u201cpostpone\u201d my birthday party until the next weekend, because the weather was supposed to get warmer and we could have it in the park.<\/p>\n

When I finally had my party in the park, mom didn\u2019t come. Before the party she \u201capologized\u201d to me for not being able to be there, but said she was feeling \u201cunder the weather\u201d, and said that Molly\u2019s mom and Paul\u2019s mom would help dad with the food. She had never not come to my birthday party before.<\/p>\n

I wondered if she was embarrassed about having that \u201cpanic attack\u201d, like I had been embarrassed last year when Joey told everybody in my class that I\u2019d pull down my pants for Mary. I could still remember standing there in class getting ready to go out to recess when he said it and everybody looking at me and just feeling like I wanted to disappear. It wasn\u2019t like other things I remembered, it was like it was happening over and over again each time I thought about it.<\/p>\n

Mom and dad did get me a record player for my birthday, though they said I had to let David use it too. My friends at the party were mad that they didn\u2019t know that I was getting it, because they would have bought me records for birthday presents. And while we played in the park they were all telling me good records to buy, like \u201cHey Little Cobra\u201d by the Ripcords, \u201cThe Way You Do The Things You Do\u201d by the Temptations, and \u201cI Want To Hold Your Hand\u201d and \u201cCan\u2019t Buy Me Love\u201d by the Beatles.<\/p>\n

My friends didn\u2019t ask me about mom or the panic attack, so I guess they didn\u2019t know, which was good. I did wonder if the other grownups at the party knew, besides dad, Molly\u2019s mom and Paul\u2019s mom. Kenny came but HIS mom didn\u2019t. And Danny\u2019s mom was mom\u2019s other best friend, besides Molly\u2019s mom, and I couldn\u2019t tell if SHE knew.<\/p>\n

And now I was wondering if there was something wrong with our family. Dad couldn\u2019t make enough money. He and mom argued all the time. She had a panic attack. And I had said last year that I\u2019d pull down my pants for Mary and Joey had told everybody at school. Maybe we weren\u2019t regular people like other people were. Maybe we were all bad.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Aunt Pat kissed me on the cheek, looked at me and said, \u201cTell your mom I\u2019m thinking of her and that you and your Aunt \u2018Hant\u2019 Pat had a great time together and you’re welcome back any time!\u201d I nodded and told her that I would. Aunt Pat liked to tease me that before I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[1777,13,1774,1773,1799,1800,1775],"class_list":["post-7765","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adventure","tag-1960s","tag-ann-arbor","tag-autobiography","tag-childhood","tag-free-range-kid","tag-growing-up","tag-memoir"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7765","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7765"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7765\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7767,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7765\/revisions\/7767"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7765"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7765"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7765"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}