![](\"https:\/\/images.dailykos.com\/images\/1254199\/large\/Pantsatanklescropped.jpeg?1702074715\")
It was Sunday afternoon after my birthday party yesterday. After so many days of winter when it was mostly always cold, the air was finally really warm, and had that special energy in it. Mom said you could smell the plants coming alive, and I think she was right.<\/p>\n
I was over at Joey\u2019s house. We had both just played in what the older kids called a \u201cpickup\u201d baseball game at Allmendinger Park. That was where two of the older kids decided to be the captains, and the other kids decided that that made sense, and then the two of them took turns picking the other kids that wanted to play to be on their teams. Most of the kids were older than we were, so we got picked last. But we both liked baseball, and were pretty good at catching and throwing and hitting, so we didn\u2019t mind being picked last as long as we could play.<\/p>\n
Since I was eight years old now, I was finally the same age as Joey and some of my other friends who had their birthdays before mine. When you were the same age number as someone else, it was easier to feel like you were the same, and not littler.<\/p>\n
How old you were and your grade number made it so \u201ccomplicated\u201d, that word grownups used that some kids were starting to use instead of just \u201chard\u201d. It was complicated because your grade number was a different number that could make you on different teams. Like Paul and I, since I was eight like he was now, but I was in third grade and he was only in second. So at home or in the park we felt like we were on the same team, but at school it felt like we were on different teams.<\/p>\n
It was like that with Molly too. Even though she was my best friend, and her birthday was two months before mine, I was in third grade and she was only in second, which felt strange, or weird as Paul would say. Before Molly moved and before we both went to regular school, we used to feel like we were the same, even though she was a girl and I was a boy. That felt really good being the same, like we knew what each other liked and even what each other was thinking. Now we were feeling more and more different, because we lived in different places, played in different parks, had different friends, and were in different grades. I couldn\u2019t tell what she was thinking or liked anymore.<\/p>\n
Molly came to my birthday party yesterday. We got to have it in Allmendinger Park because it was warm and it didn\u2019t rain. Mom said it was good that we didn\u2019t have my party on my actual birthday, because that was Tuesday, and it was super hot that day. Mom said it felt like \u201cthe dead of summer\u201d even though it was \u201cjust barely spring\u201d.<\/p>\n
At my party, I could tell it was hard for Molly and Paul, who were in second grade, to be with all those kids at my party who were in third grade, like Herbie, Gabe, Lenny and Jake, and me too. We all talked about third grade stuff that Molly and Paul couldn\u2019t talk about. David and his friend Hannah were there too, but they were really little kids, didn\u2019t go to regular school yet, and weren\u2019t worried about different ages or grades yet. At least Danny and Marybeth were there too, and they were both in fifth grade. They were the big kids, and all the rest of us in second OR third grade were little compared to them, so that made the rest of us feel more the same.<\/p>\n
There was a bad part to that too. All us kids at the party tried to do pretending together on the monkey bars and the merry-go-round, like Captain Nemo or Civil War stuff. But Danny or Marybeth would say something silly that wasn\u2019t part of the pretending, and then Gabe or Herbie would say silly stuff too to be like the bigger kids and then the whole pretending wouldn\u2019t work anymore.<\/p>\n
We did all get on the merry-go-round together, all eleven of us, and we were big enough and strong enough now to make it go around really fast and all jump on. They wanted to put me in the middle, but that felt strange without being there with Molly, since at my little kid birthday parties in the park it was always her and I in the middle together. I didn\u2019t want to even ask to be in the middle with Molly, because I didn\u2019t want anyone to think Molly and I were girlfriend and boyfriend. We ended up all deciding to put David and Hannah in the middle, and they both really liked that.<\/p>\n
While we were spinning around, Marybeth made a joke about how Molly always used to fall off the merry-go-round at my old birthday parties in the park and get all scraped up and get her nice party dresses dirty. All the rest of us laughed, even David and Hannah. Danny laughed the most and asked Molly if she\u2019d like to do it again for \u201cold times sake\u201d, whatever that was.<\/p>\n
Molly liked the idea, though she said it wouldn\u2019t be the same because she was wearing pants, because her mom didn\u2019t make her wear dresses to parties anymore. So she hung off the side, and when we slowed down enough so we weren\u2019t going super fast she let go and did a kind of pretend tumble in the sand, ending up flat on her back with her legs and arms spread.<\/p>\n
All the rest of us kids still going around on the merry-go-round clapped and cheered, which all the grownups at my party at the picnic tables heard. Molly\u2019s mom stood up, looked worried, saw Molly lying on the ground and said, \u201cOh my god, not again!\u201d All us kids laughed and Molly jumped up to show her mom she was okay and said, \u201cJust pretending mom!\u201d<\/p>\n
It was interesting, because I think Danny and Marybeth kind of liked each other. They weren\u2019t best friends like Molly and I, and they weren\u2019t like boyfriend and girlfriend, or wanting to be kissface. But they kept looking at each other, said something when the other one said something, and laughed when the other said something funny, even if it was pretty silly or even stupid. I wondered if it was that \u201cflirting\u201d stuff that Margie had talked about older boys and girls doing and that I had heard mom say some other grownup women did with dad at some parties they went to.<\/p>\n
Anyway, I got lots of good presents, which was the other really neat part. Mom and dad, grandpa and grandma, and Aunt Pat got me a new bicycle. It was another red Schwinn like my old bike, but this one was for bigger kids, because it had 22 inch wheels instead of 20 inch ones. It was really neat, and had a \u201cspeedometer\u201d that told you how fast you were going and a \u201cpressure basket\u201d over the back wheel to carry stuff on your bike. I was glad it wasn\u2019t those regular baskets, like on mom\u2019s bike, because those looked kind of stupid.<\/p>\n
Joey hadn\u2019t come to my party, because mom didn\u2019t know he was my friend and I didn\u2019t tell her to invite him. He was still eight, and now that I was eight too, I didn\u2019t feel like he was older than me anymore. Joey liked to \u201cbrag\u201d, and tell me all the big kid stuff he was doing, like riding HIS twenty-two inch bike.<\/p>\n
But he also liked it when I did bragging too, so that was kind of fun. So I told him I had a twenty-two inch bike now too, that I just got for my birthday. I told him it had a \u201cspeedometer\u201d that told you how fast you were going, and a \u201cpressure basket\u201d which looked really cool, not stupid like those regular bicycle baskets that some girls and grownups had on their bikes.<\/p>\n
My other school friends – Gabe, Herbie, Jake, Lenny and Amanda – didn\u2019t like to \u201cbrag\u201d, or talk about themselves. They liked to talk about other stuff, like dinosaurs, the Civil War, submarines or Captain Nemo. Amanda liked to talk about how silly the other girls were and how stupid the other boys were.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy older brother just got a record player for his birthday\u201d, Joey said, \u201cAnd mom and dad said I could listen to it too.\u201d He showed me some of those circle record things like Margie had and took one out. It had the hole in the middle, a big red part around the hole and then the black part where the song was.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you heard of the Beatles?\u201d he asked, and I shook my head, \u201cThey\u2019re from England, and my brother says that all the older kids like \u2018em.\u201d<\/p>\n
He put the record over the middle sticking up part of the thing and it kind of wiggled down to plop on the circle part below. He turned the switch and the record started turning. He lifted up this other part and carefully put it on the edge of the record. I\u2019d seen Margie do this when she brought her record player and records to our parties.<\/p>\n
The thing made a crackling noise and then there was a music part without any singing. Finally it sounded like two older boys singing together, both of them sounded excited, like they couldn\u2019t wait to tell us. Though they each sang it different, their singing still sounded good together. I remembered Margie had said that was called \u201charmony\u201d.<\/p>\n
Last night I said these words to my girl
\nI know you never even try, girl<\/p><\/blockquote>\nThen they did that thing where one sings first and the other sings the same words back. I don\u2019t think Margie ever said what that was called. Maybe that was \u201charmony\u201d too.<\/p>\n
Come on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nPlease, please me, whoa-yeah, like I please you<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI couldn\u2019t figure out what they were saying, saying \u201cplease\u201d twice like they really really wanted something, but not saying what they wanted that girl to do.<\/p>\n
You don’t need me to show the way, love
\nWhy do I always have to say, love?<\/p><\/blockquote>\nIt sounded like maybe they wanted to get kissyface with her, but both of them at the same time? Did people do stuff like that? Or was it just supposed to be one guy singing it and the other was just singing along to make that harmony part. And I guess he usually tells her what kind of kissyface stuff to do, but this time he wants her to tell him.<\/p>\n
Come on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nPlease, please me, whoa-yeah, like I please you<\/p><\/blockquote>\nThere were those two \u201cplease\u201ds again.<\/p>\n
I don’t want to sound complaining
\nBut you know there’s always rain in my heart (in my heart)<\/p><\/blockquote>\nIt was strange that word \u201ccomplain\u201d. Grownups would say, \u201cI hate to complain\u201d, and then they would start doing it.<\/p>\n
I do all the pleasing with you it’s so hard to reason
\nWith you, whoa-yeah, why do you make me blue?<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI couldn\u2019t figure out what \u201cpleasing\u201d meant. Was it like saying \u201cplease\u201d a lot?<\/p>\n
Last night, I said these words to my girl
\nI know I never even try, girl<\/p>\nCome on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nCome on (come on)
\nPlease, please me, whoa-yeah, like I please you<\/p><\/blockquote>\nWhen the song was done I said to Joey, \u201cHe says please twice but he doesn\u2019t tell her what he wants her to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t get it\u201d, he said, \u201cHe wants her to PLEASE him, to make him happy by doing all the stuff a girlfriend is supposed to do to make her boyfriend happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wow, I thought, it sounded like Joey really knew about this kissyface stuff. Joey liked to talk about girls. Girls in our class or ones in the park. He was always interested in what they were doing or what they were talking about in the lilac bushes. I felt like a littler kid than him because I didn\u2019t know all that stuff.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho do you think is the prettiest girl in our class?\u201d he asked, \u201cMary or Diane.\u201d Diane was Mary\u2019s best friend in class and Joey\u2019s desk was right behind hers. She liked doing everything Mary did. She had a long black ponytail which was kind of neat and made her look special and extra pretty, but I never really talked to her, because boys and girls didn\u2019t talk to each other at school unless we had to, because we felt like we were on different teams.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes when Diane is working really hard writing something I like to touch the bottom of her ponytail with my finger\u201d, he said, \u201cSometimes she doesn\u2019t turn around and look at me, just moves her head a little bit. But when she does look at me, I just shake my head like I didn\u2019t do it. She gets a little bit mad but she doesn\u2019t tell Mrs Rodney. She looks super pretty when she\u2019s mad.\u201d He smiled and said, \u201cI think she likes me.\u201d That all sounded exciting to me, and I thought about that time I showed Mary how to do long division and she kissed me on the cheek. Maybe I wasn\u2019t such a little kid after all.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou and Gabe and Jake are always talking to Amanda\u201d, he said, \u201cDo you think she\u2019s pretty?\u201d His question worried me, like maybe he thought we all wanted her to be our girlfriend, so I wasn\u2019t sure what to say. Even though Amanda wore dresses like the other girls, I don\u2019t think she even wanted to look pretty, because she thought the pretty girls were all silly, and she wore those big plastic glasses that made her eyes look big.<\/p>\n
\u201cNah\u201d, I said, \u201cAmanda\u2019s not a regular girl. She\u2019s super smart instead of pretty.\u201d Joey nodded like that made sense, and I was starting to feel like I knew stuff about girls too.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t tell Gabe\u201d, I said, \u201cBut I think HE likes Amanda, because they\u2019re both super smart.\u201d Joey nodded and did a laugh through his nose like that made sense.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about Mary?\u201d he asked, \u201cI\u2019ve seen you talking to her sometimes after school.\u201d I got worried again about what to say.<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t told anybody what I thought about Mary or about how she kissed me on the cheek so I\u2019d show her how to do long division, but I wanted to tell SOMEBODY. Most of my other friends didn\u2019t talk about girls, even my best friend Molly, who WAS a girl. And Amanda only wanted to talk about bad stuff about girls.<\/p>\n
\u201cMary kissed me on the cheek\u201d, I said, \u201cIn Wurster Park.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWHAT\u201d, he said, like he couldn\u2019t believe it, \u201cShe kissed you?\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded and said, \u201cTwo times.\u201d That felt like really good bragging, because I could tell that Joey was a little mad that she had kissed me and not him. And I also felt good because I had FINALLY told somebody else about it.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo\u201d, he said, shaking his head, \u201cShe didn\u2019t!\u201d I felt like a really big kid now. That felt good.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wouldn\u2019t lie to you\u201d, I said. I\u2019d heard big kids say that.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy\u2019d she kiss you?\u201d he asked, like he was now thinking I was really neat.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I showed her how to do long division\u201d, I said, \u201cShe wanted to know how to do it before Amanda did, so Amanda wasn\u2019t always the smartest.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you kiss her back?\u201d he asked. I suddenly felt shy about that and I shook my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cI would\u2019ve\u201d, he said, \u201cShe\u2019s super super pretty!\u201d I nodded because I thought so too.<\/p>\n
\u201cWere you afraid?\u201d, he said, like maybe I was too much of a little kid to kiss a girl back, \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have been!\u201d That sounded like bragging again, so it was my turn now. I thought about when Molly and I got naked together in her bedroom, and thought about how neat it would be to get naked in front of Mary.<\/p>\n
\u201cI WASN\u2019T afraid\u201d, I said, feeling kind of mad at him now, \u201cI just was surprised.\u201d Then, feeling that spring energy in the air, I said a swear word to really tell him how I felt. \u201cHell\u201d, I said, \u201cI\u2019D pull down my PANTS for Mary!\u201d It felt so good to say that to somebody, something I\u2019d been thinking about for a long time.<\/p>\n
\u201cHunh\u201d, he said, looking worried now, \u201cYou\u2019d really do that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u201d, I said, \u201cOnly if she wanted me too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then I could tell he didn\u2019t want to talk about that anymore.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy dad said he\u2019d sign me up for Little League\u201d, he said, \u201cThe practices start next month here at Almendinger. It\u2019s the nine-year-old league. I\u2019ll be nine in June so my dad said I\u2019m old enough to play.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019d heard other kids talking about Little League, and I wanted to play too. I was pretty good at baseball, but I wondered if you really had to be nine to play. That wouldn\u2019t be fair. I wondered if dad would lie and tell them that I was nine so I could play too.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
The next afternoon in school it was time for recess. We were all standing around the classroom door waiting for Mrs Rodney to say we could go outside. Joey was across from me just behind Diane, who was wearing a red dress and had a red ribbon tied in a bow at the end of her long black ponytail. Joey looked at me and a couple of the other boys and made his eyes get really big like he was telling us \u201cwatch this\u201d, without actually talking. His finger just quickly touched the ribbon, just enough to make Diane turn around and look at him, but when she did, he shook his head like he didn\u2019t do anything. Theo, Gabe and Herbie did a little laugh, and Diane looked at them worried, like she figured they were laughing at her but she didn\u2019t know why. I heard Mary\u2019s voice behind me.<\/p>\n
\u201cJoey did it\u201d, she said fiercely, \u201cHe\u2019s always touching your hair. He thinks he\u2019s in love with you, but he\u2019s so disgusting!\u201d We all liked using that word, \u201cdisgusting\u201d. Joey looked really worried, like he\u2019d been caught doing something really bad, and then looked mad.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not true!\u201d he said to Mary, \u201cI\u2019m not IN LOVE with her. But you must be IN LOVE with Cooper because he said he would \u2018pull down his pants\u2019 for you!\u201d<\/p>\n
Both Mary and Diane did that breath in noise, like they couldn\u2019t believe he said that. I heard Gabe and Herbie do that kind of laugh like you\u2019re trying not to but you can\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n
I suddenly felt like I was in a bubble and I wasn\u2019t really in the room anymore, but just looking at the room all around me. How could Joey say that? Everyone would think I was really bad. Maybe I really was bad. I could feel the kids around me looking at me, but I couldn\u2019t look back at any of them and just looked at the floor. I wanted to somehow say, \u201cI did not\u201d, but I couldn\u2019t get myself to say anything. It seemed like forever before I heard Mrs Rodney\u2019s voice like it was slower and louder than it usually was.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoa whoa whoa!\u201d she said, \u201cThat\u2019s enough of that kind of talk! Joey and Mary, please go over to my desk RIGHT NOW. We need to have a discussion. The rest of you out to recess, QUIET in the halls please.\u201d<\/p>\n
Other kids in the class were still looking at me worried as they went out the classroom door. Herbie and Gabe whispered to me, almost at the same time, \u201cDid you really say that?\u201d I still couldn\u2019t make myself talk and just looked down and went through the door then out the big hallway outside doors to the sidewalk and the playground, with Herbie and Gabe following me and asking again, \u201cDid you really say that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Once I got through the big doors and out on the sidewalk, I thought for a second I wanted to run home, but instead I ran to the far side of the playground and climbed inside the giant pipe thing where we all liked to hide sometimes, or pretend it was a submarine or a spaceship. Gabe and Herbie got down on their hands and knees on either end of the pipe and looked in at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you really say that?\u201d they both asked me again, but I couldn\u2019t talk or even look at them. If I looked at them I figured they could tell that I really DID say that. I wondered if Joey had done something bad by telling on me. And then I was worried that maybe he WASN\u2019T in trouble because he was just telling people that I had said something really bad, that I was a bad kid. A really bad kid. I felt my body get warm and I felt like I was going to fall asleep. I heard the voices of other kids nearby.<\/p>\n
I heard Amanda\u2019s voice ask, \u201cDid he really say that?\u201d Then Gabe said to her, \u201cI don\u2019t know. He won\u2019t tell us.\u201d<\/p>\n
Herbie was still at the other end of the big pipe. He climbed inside and sat, though he didn\u2019t sit next to me. I turned to look at him for just a second and then down at the ground again. I was actually kind of glad that I wasn\u2019t in the pipe all alone.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know\u201d, he said, \u201cJoey\u2019s not very nice that way. He\u2019s not good at keeping secrets. He told Diane that I said she was pretty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe likes Diane\u201d, I said, \u201cHe told me he teases her because he likes her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know\u201d, he said again, \u201cIf you DID say that about Mary, but you told me instead of Joey, I would NEVER have told anyone else.\u201d I nodded. That made sense, though it was too late now.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven if you DID say it\u201d, he said again, \u201cJust say you didn\u2019t, and that Joey made that up. He lies about stuff all the time.\u201d I didn\u2019t say anything. I wasn\u2019t sure about that, feeling like everybody had already figured out that I said that about Mary.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t like lying, because if you did it about something, then you had to remember to keep doing it. And if people figured out you were lying, specially grownups, they\u2019d think you were really bad. And I would start thinking I was really bad too. Instead of lying, I usually just didn\u2019t say anything, because it was none of their business anyway. Even though I told him, it was none of Joey\u2019s damn business anyway.<\/p>\n
Amanda stuck her head in the other end of the big pipe and said, \u201cCan I come in?\u201d I nodded, but couldn\u2019t even look at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell I guess I don\u2019t really need to say that Joey is really STUPID\u201d, she said, \u201cProbably the stupidest boy in our class.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t usually agree with Herbert\u201d, she said, looking across at him on the other side of me, \u201cBut I do think he\u2019s right that IF you really said that to Joey, he\u2019s a really bad friend to tell everybody like that.\u201d I nodded, though I wasn\u2019t sure that they thought my nod meant I really said that, or just that Joey was a bad friend.<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean grownups do things like that\u201d, she said, looking out the end of the pipe and not at us, \u201cBut I think it\u2019s pretty terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat kind of stuff?\u201d asked Herbie, sounding like he was using his teasing voice now, which he usually did with Amanda, \u201cNaked stuff?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it\u201d, said Amanda. She was quiet but her voice was still strong and fierce. \u201cWhen we get really old and we\u2019re in charge of things, we\u2019ll make things different.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow will we have any babies?\u201d Herbie asked, still with the teasing voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know, Herbert, but we will\u201d, she said. Then all three of us got quiet while the other kids were laughing and yelling around us.<\/p>\n
Finally Gabe, who I figured had been sitting on top of the tube and maybe listening, stuck his head down upside down by the side of the tube where Amanda was sitting.<\/p>\n
He made a big upside down smile and said, \u201cI don\u2019t usually agree with Amanda\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShut up, Gabriel\u201d, she said, not looking at him but grinning a little like she actually liked that he said that.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think recess is over\u201d, Gabe said.<\/p>\n
Somehow I managed to go back into the classroom with Amanda and Herbie and Gabe all around me. When I noticed Mary staring at me from the other side of the room and looking mad, I didn\u2019t look at her anymore.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
The last bell of the day FINALLY rang, and I was SO happy that I could go home. I\u2019d been trying since recess to be invisible, I didn\u2019t raise my hand and I didn\u2019t look at anybody except the teacher when she was talking.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverybody\u2019s dismissed\u201d, said Mrs Rodney, \u201cEnjoy the rest of your afternoons.\u201d I stood up from my desk. Gabe came over like he was going to walk home with me, at least to his street.<\/p>\n
\u201cCooper\u201d, Mrs Rodney said, and I suddenly got really scared, \u201cPlease stay for a minute.\u201d Gabe looked at me, worried, and then looked at Mrs Rodney.<\/p>\n
\u201cGabe\u201d, she said fiercely, \u201cWe will just be a minute. You can wait for Cooper outside the main doors. We need our privacy.\u201d Gabe looked even more worried, but he nodded, looked at me one more time, opening his eyes wide, and then went out the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cYoung man\u201d, she said. She had never called me that before. Sometimes mom or dad, or some other grownup, called me that when they were really mad at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you say that to Joey about Mary?\u201d she asked. Her voice was quiet and trying not to sound fierce. I couldn\u2019t even look at her, but I could tell she was nodding her head slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u201d, she said, and her mouth made a clicking noise as she opened it to say more, \u201cAssuming you did, I would just like to say that you are a very good student and for the most part a very nice young man, at least as far as I can tell. I have already spoken to Joey about his behavior, but I just would like to say that you shouldn\u2019t say things like that if you want to continue to be a nice young man. I hope you\u2019ll think about that.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt that warm bubble feeling in my head again, like I wasn\u2019t really there. The words \u201cyou shouldn\u2019t say things like that\u201d kept repeating in my mind and everything else she said disappeared. These feelings I had about getting naked with someone else were making me a bad kid. I thought, what if she told mom and dad? I wanted to ask her if she was going to, but I was too afraid that if I did, that would sound REALLY BAD.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re dismissed\u201d, she said, \u201cNow go out and enjoy the rest of your afternoon.\u201d She smiled, but I figured it was just pretend.<\/p>\n
Gabe was outside the big doors on the sidewalk waiting for me. I wasn\u2019t sure I wanted to talk about it but I was also glad I wasn\u2019t alone.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019d she say\u201d, Gabe asked, excited, \u201cAre you in trouble? Is she going to tell your mom and dad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, I said, not looking at him. I wasn\u2019t thinking about that so much as just thinking about being bad. Having a grownup that was in charge of me thinking I was becoming bad.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should\u2019ve asked her if she’s going to tell your mom and dad\u201d, he said, looking worried, \u201cBecause if she doesn\u2019t then that\u2019s not too bad, it\u2019s just her.\u201d<\/p>\n
I just didn\u2019t want to talk, even though Gabe was one of my best friends, but I was so worried I just had to.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut all the other kids heard that I said that!\u201d The words just came out of my mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, he said, thinking, like that WAS pretty bad that everyone heard, \u201cThat Joey is a total traitor, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll ever talk to him again. If he was a soldier they\u2019d hang him or shoot him with a firing squad!\u201d<\/p>\n
I had just been thinking about me, but what about Joey? How could he do that, say that to everybody? Was what I said, and what I was feeling that made me say that so bad that he had to tell? Would none of my friends talk to me because they\u2019d think I wanted to pull down my pants? Mary probably hated me now, by how mad she looked when she was looking at me.<\/p>\n
We crossed Jefferson and headed up the sidewalk on Fifth toward our houses. We walked quietly for a minute but I could tell Gabe was thinking.<\/p>\n
Finally he said, \u201cShe would never do it, but if Amanda DID ask me to pull down my pants for HER, I MIGHT think about doing it.\u201d Then he looked at me fiercely and said, \u201cBut if you tell anyone, I will completely kill you!\u201d I nodded. I wondered if I had said that to Joey, after I told him, if he wouldn\u2019t have said that in class.<\/p>\n
When we got to his street he stopped and looked at me. \u201cBe careful\u201d, he said, \u201cThe grownups are still in charge of everything, and some kids will always rat you out to them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI would never do it\u201d, he said, and then pointing at me, \u201cAnd you better not ever do it either.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded really fast to let him know I never would, then said, \u201cI never, never would!\u201d It felt good to say that, like I at least would never do anything against my team.<\/p>\n
As he started to cross Fifth to head up the street toward his house, he turned back to look at me one more time and said, \u201cSomeday when we\u2019re in charge maybe it\u2019ll be different.\u201d Then he ran across the street and started walking up the sidewalk to his house.<\/p>\n
When I got to Allmendinger Park and got through the trees and could see my house across the baseball diamonds, I started thinking about what if Mrs Rodney called mom or dad and told them what I said. Would dad spank me? He hadn\u2019t spanked me since I was three. Would mom be \u201cvery dissapointed\u201d in me? Would they not let me do stuff by myself anymore because I had to be watched in case I tried to say more bad things or do more bad stuff?<\/p>\n
Was I a bad kid because I liked being naked and being naked with people I really liked? Did that make me a sissy? No grownup ever wanted to see a kid naked unless they were your mom or dad and they had to because you were really little and they had to give you a bath or help you put on your clothes. No grownup wanted you to see them naked, not even your mom or dad.<\/p>\n
I think Molly liked it when she and I got naked together. I did. When you were naked there wasn\u2019t any pretending, no clothes to pretend you looked different than you really looked. It seemed strange to think that, because I and most other kids REALLY LIKED to pretend. Grownups did A LOT of pretending too, but it was different. They pretended that they liked stuff that they really didn\u2019t like, that they were okay when they really weren\u2019t. So I guess that was BAD pretending. What kids did was GOOD pretending.<\/p>\n
As I walked by the kitchen windows to go in the side door I heard mom\u2019s voice in the kitchen saying \u201cdammit\u201d a couple times. I figured she was paying bills, because she said that a lot when she was, and I figured she hadn\u2019t seen me because then she wouldn\u2019t swear if she had.<\/p>\n
I went in the side door hoping just to sneak down into the basement, but she saw me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey Coolie Coo\u201d, she said, \u201cHow was YOUR day at school? MY DAY is paying bills, and per usual, it\u2019s not much fun.\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t want to talk about my day, so I figured I\u2019d get her to talk about her stuff, so I said, \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at me like I should already know why not and said, \u201cSOMEDAY, when your dad gets all his ducks in a row and gets tenure, the paycheck will be significantly higher, and I won\u2019t go through this\u2026 process every month!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDucks in a row?\u201d I asked. I\u2019d heard other grownups say that but never figured out what it meant.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, she said, laughing through her nose, \u201cYour father\u2019s not here to bestow his language expertise on us.\u201d She did more nose laughing and said, \u201cLet\u2019s see\u2026 It means you\u2019ve worked everything out with everyone else so that what you want to happen will happen. Does that make sense?\u201d I nodded. I guess I didn\u2019t have MY ducks in a row either.<\/p>\n
Worried she would still ask me about school, I quickly asked, \u201cWhat\u2019s tenure?\u201d<\/p>\n
She did just a little nod and her eyes closed a little and she said, \u201cTenure is when a school offers you a permanent position, which usually means more money.\u201d I nodded.<\/p>\n
Suddenly I felt so scared that mom didn\u2019t know who I REALLY was, a kid who liked to get naked and said he\u2019d pull his pants down in front of a girl. I wished I could tell her and have her not think I was really bad, but I couldn\u2019t risk it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI gotta go downstairs\u201d, I said, and didn\u2019t even wait for her to say something back before I ran down the stairs. I heard her laughing but it sounded like a sad laugh.<\/p>\n
I was so relieved that David and dad weren’t in the basement. I could just be there all by myself. I put a couple race cars on my Aurora racetrack, the hotrod and the Stingray and turned the little wheels on their controls so they went around the track in opposite directions. I put my chin on the beaverboard by one corner of the track so I could watch them come or go down the long straightaway and not think about anything else.<\/p>\n
Paul came over and mom told him I was down in the basement, so he came down the stairs and saw me just watching my race cars go down the long straightaway. I looked at him but then looked back at the cars.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to play\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d he asked, \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d<\/p>\n
I remembered that thing that grownups said to each other sometimes, and Amanda had said at recess. \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it something really bad?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
I felt my head nodding slowly, even though I didn\u2019t want it to. No one could know how bad it was, not even Paul. Not mom or dad or Molly. I hoped that none of my school friends would tell them. I just had to pretend like it didn\u2019t happen and never talk about it again, and maybe everyone would forget it happened and I could have another chance. I would have to be way more careful who I talked to about stuff like that.<\/p>\n
\u201cI do bad stuff too and don\u2019t want to talk about it\u201d, he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cLike what?\u201d I asked, not looking at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it either\u201d, he said. He sat down next to me and put his head down on the beaverboard so he could see the cars like I was seeing them.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
The next morning I woke up to dad telling me I needed to get up and get ready for school. I had barely slept all night. My mind kept worrying and thinking. Was I really a bad kid because I talked about pulling down my pants and regular kids would never say stuff like that? Was I some kind of sissy because I wanted to do that? If dad found out would he want to spank me again and not like me anymore? Would my school friends still talk to me? Would Mary hate me forever? What could I do to make things go back to before I said that to Joey or he said it to everybody else? I wished there really was a time machine like Mister Peabody\u2019s \u201cWayback\u201d.<\/p>\n
I couldn\u2019t keep my eyes open and must have fallen back asleep because now it was mom waking me up. I told her I didn\u2019t feel very good and she put her hand on my forehead and said I felt a little warm and said I could stay home from school. I stayed inside all day and just read books in my room or watched TV in the basement or played with my racing track. Watching the cars go around the track made me not think about other stuff.<\/p>\n
After mom picked up David from Play School, she came down in the basement to check on me. She put her hand on my forehead and said it felt okay now, but that I looked like I hadn\u2019t gotten any sleep.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid something happen at school yesterday?\u201d she asked. I shook my head but didn\u2019t look at her. \u201cAre you sure?\u201d she asked again. I shook my head again fast but still didn\u2019t look at her. I could tell she was figuring out that maybe something HAD happened.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf something\u2019s going on at school\u201d, she said, \u201cI really wish you\u2019d tell me so I can help you sort it out. I\u2019m always on your side Cooper, I hope you\u2019ve figured that out by now. And I\u2019m always so so proud of how you chart your own course, and I\u2019d move Heaven and Earth to help you do so.\u201d She finally stopped talking and I nodded, but still didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n
She puffed her cheeks and blew air out of her mouth and said, \u201cI really don\u2019t like to see you like this. You and your father just clam up when something\u2019s bothering you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I knew mom by now. If she thought something might be happening at school, \u201cmoving Heaven and Earth\u201d might mean calling my teacher, who might tell her what happened. That would be terrible. Mom and dad might think that I shouldn\u2019t be able to do stuff by myself anymore and always want to know where I was and what I was doing. I couldn\u2019t let that happen.<\/p>\n
I knew I had to say something, or mom would get even more worried, and that wouldn\u2019t be good.<\/p>\n
\u201cI promise I\u2019ll go to school tomorrow\u201d, I said, \u201cI just needed a day off.\u201d I had heard her say that \u201cday off\u201d thing to dad sometimes when she didn\u2019t feel like doing all her chores.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay\u201d, she said, nodding, \u201cI get that. But I also know problems just don\u2019t go away if you don\u2019t talk about them and work them through. If Mrs Rodney or some kid in your class said something or did something that\u2019s really bothering you, from my experience, you should tell them honestly how that made you feel and talk it through.\u201d Mom was good at figuring stuff out that she didn\u2019t even know about, like she could figure out what other people were thinking. I got worried that maybe she could figure out what I was thinking.<\/p>\n
\u201cOtherwise\u201d, she said, \u201cYou just keep it inside you and it can be like a wound that never heals and maybe just keeps getting worse. Believe me, I have issues with MY mother and MY brother like that that I\u2019ll tell you about someday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, I said, finally looking at her quickly, \u201cI\u2019ll go back to school tomorrow. I\u2019ll get it sorted out.\u201d That sounded like a good thing to say.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, good\u201d, she said, \u201cI won\u2019t pester you anymore. Just know that your dad and I love you dearly. We try not to interfere in your life unless you ask for help. But PLEASE, ask for help if you need it! Okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, okay\u201d, I said, then figured I should also say, \u201cThanks mom!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re welcome sweety\u201d, she said, and she started to laugh, \u201cI\u2019m always tempted to rub your head because it always feels so nice and reminds me of when you were a baby and I gave you baths in the kitchen sink. But I know you\u2019re a big kid now and I can\u2019t indulge that urge anymore, it\u2019s not respectful of who you are now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell you can do it this time mom\u201d, I said, \u201cBecause no one else is around.\u201d She laughed again and rubbed her hand on my head. It felt good. I wished so much I could tell her, but it would be too dangerous, too risky.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
The next morning when dad woke me up to go to school, I was still worried about what would happen there, but I knew I had to go, even if I didn\u2019t want to. If I didn\u2019t go this time, I figured mom would probably call my teacher, and that would be really bad. So I got dressed and went.<\/p>\n
When I got to Gabe\u2019s street, instead of walking by it, I looked down Fifth to see if he was walking ahead of me, but I didn\u2019t see him, so I figured he hadn\u2019t left his house yet, because he usually didn\u2019t go to school early and came just before the bell. I was so happy to see him come out of his house, see me, wave, and then run down his street toward me and across Fifth.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid Mrs Rodney call your parents?\u201d he asked. I shook my head but didn\u2019t say anything. It was strange that he said \u201cparents\u201d, because usually only grownups used that word. Like they used the word \u201cadults\u201d too.<\/p>\n
\u201cJoey didn\u2019t come to school yesterday either\u201d, he said, \u201cSo I wondered if Mrs Rodney had called HIS parents. Joey told me that when his parents find out that he did bad stuff they punish him. They spank him and \u2018ground\u2019 him, whatever that means.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy friend Ricky says that when kids get \u2018grounded\u2019 it\u2019s like they get thrown in jail by their mom or dad in their own house and can\u2019t go out or do anything fun until their \u2018sentence\u2019 is over\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah\u201d, he said laughing, \u201cI remember Ricky from that birthday party when we were all in your basement instead of the park. He\u2019s pretty funny.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was glad Gabe would be with me when I walked into class. I didn\u2019t want to walk in all by myself. So right before the bell we walked in together, which was good because then no one could say anything to me or ask me any questions before it rang. Jake, Herbie and Amanda were there. Mary and Diane were there and Mary saw me and then looked out the window instead of looking at me anymore. Joey was even there, but he looked like he was just pretending he was okay, and once he saw me he wouldn\u2019t look at me either. Mrs Rodney did her regular teaching stuff and didn\u2019t say anything about it, which was good.<\/p>\n
It was in the afternoon when we went out for recess that I worried what other kids would say to me, specially my friends. Once I got out the hallway doors onto the sidewalk I ran into the playground, running by other kids in my class to get to the big pipe before anyone else did. Gabe ran after me and so did Herbie. I saw Joey talking and probably bragging to some of the boys in the class who were all around him. Once I saw him I tried not to look at him anymore. And Mary and Diane were swinging on the swings, talking to each other and some other girls that were standing around them. I couldn\u2019t tell if they saw me, because if they did, I wondered if they\u2019d still be mad.<\/p>\n
When I got to the big pipe no one was inside so I went in. It felt nice and dark and cool and not all bright like the rest of the playground. I sat in the middle and worried if all the kids in my class were still thinking about what Joey said that I said, and whether they all thought I was bad, or even maybe a sissy. Gabe came in one side and sat on that edge and Herbie sat on the other side. I was glad they both did that, like they both still wanted to be my friends and also were guarding me to keep me safe.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you really say that?\u201d Herbie asked, \u201cOr is Joey lying, because he lies a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHerbert\u201d, it was Amanda\u2019s voice outside the pipe where I couldn\u2019t see her, \u201cI don\u2019t think Cooper wants to talk about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI just want to know if Joey was lying again\u201d, Herbie said quietly to me.<\/p>\n
I looked down at my sneakers and shook my head slowly. I think I felt \u201cashamed\u201d. I had heard grownups use that word. I remember when Kenny\u2019s mom got mad at him in the park for saying a swear word and said, \u201cYou should be ashamed of yourself!\u201d<\/p>\n
When I shook my head Herbie looked worried, stopped talking and was thinking. But it didn\u2019t feel like he was worried in a bad way. It was like he was worried about his friend, not some bad kid he didn\u2019t want to be around anymore.<\/p>\n
\u201cKids aren\u2019t talking about it anymore\u201d, Gabe said, \u201cMrs R handed back the math tests yesterday and Mary got the highest score, higher than Amanda. So they\u2019re all talking about that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat will never happen again\u201d, said Amanda\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd Theo got all his hair cut off\u201d, Gabe said, \u201cAnd Diane said that he looks like a \u2018plucked chicken\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe kind of does\u201d, I heard Amanda say, \u201cBut it\u2019s none of our business of course!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course\u201d, Gabe said, trying to sound like Amanda. Then he looked at me and made a funny face. I started to laugh before I could stop myself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It was Sunday afternoon after my birthday party yesterday. After so many days of winter when it was mostly always cold, the air was finally really warm, and had that special energy in it. Mom said you could smell the plants coming alive, and I think she was right. I was over at Joey\u2019s house. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[1777,13,1774,1773,1799,1800,1775],"class_list":["post-7704","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adventure","tag-1960s","tag-ann-arbor","tag-autobiography","tag-childhood","tag-free-range-kid","tag-growing-up","tag-memoir"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7704","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7704"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7704\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7709,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7704\/revisions\/7709"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7704"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7704"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.leftyparent.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7704"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}