Lefty Parent » egalitarian process

Fully Embracing Democracy

Cooper Zale — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 18:16:39 +0000

The last five hundred years of Western history have been all about championing the worth, dignity, rights and responsibilities of individual human beings in the context of increasingly egalitarian institutions. Not that it hasn’t been three steps forward and two steps back at times. I just hope that as we settle into this new century, this third millennium of the “common era”, that we try to take a breath, relax, find our balance and our internal compass, and continue to “move the needle” in our egalitarian embrace of “all of us” rather than the millennia of hierarchical “us and them” thinking that we are coming out of.

So I am talking about embracing perhaps a broader version of “democracy” than just citizens having the right to vote and making decisions by majority rule. Beyond those important elements of political process, “democracy” embodies an egalitarian ethos encompassing the Golden Rule, the inherent worth and dignity of every person, and an approach to all our human systems and institutions consistent with that ethos.

So how would that play out? Here are some examples that I respectfully submit for your consideration…

As citizens, let’s take a deep breath, feel the ground firmly below our feet, and know that we are among friends and fellow travelers before we continue to turn our elections into winner-take-all contests between good guys and bad guys (whichever way you frame the sides). Let’s not forget to practice the Golden Rule and welcome this new self-defined “Tea Party” constituency to the table, whether we agree with them or not. Listen to what they have to say, whether or not we agree, so as to encourage them to dialog and listen back. Let’s remember that the democratic process thrives on different points of view tussling with each other, within the rules and ethos of the process.

As entrepreneurs, managers or worker-bees, let’s relax our grip, remember that the wisdom of the whole is generally better than the wisdom of the few, and encourage everyone in the meeting to be heard. Let’s question authority in a respectful and productive way, because good governance makes good decisions. Let’s proactively encourage everyone to acknowledge and exercise their stake in the enterprise and find and exploit the opportunities to bridge that “us and them” gap between labor and management. It is not always possible but there are generally moments when it is.

As adults working with youth in schools or other venues, let’s take the weight off our shoulders, and let our young charges speak their minds in an atmosphere of truly mutual respect and dignity, and fully engage them as the key stakeholders in their own development. Let’s allow ourselves that our youth have much wisdom to share with us, and as the Golden Rule advises us, acknowledging theirs helps them acknowledge ours. Let’s not get stressed out trying to be magicians and constantly be trying to trick kids into learning things they may not yet be interested in. Give them more opportunities to tell us when they want the wisdom we can share with them.

And finally, as parents, let’s learn to model a more facilitative leadership style and take my mom’s wisdom that “kids will tell you what they need” (at least in most cases) and not get caught up in the herculean exercise of trying to stage-manage every aspect of their lives. To the best of our ability instead, create safe space (to the extent that is possible in each of our circumstances) and and enriched environment where our kids have access to loving and thoughtful adults along with the plethora of knowledge that is now freely available out there in books, Internet and other media. Human beings are born to be constant learners, and if we facilitate and unleash, rather than over-control those instincts, we allow our kids to reach for their greatest and most unique potentials.

I firmly believe that one of the key reasons that life at times feels so complicated right now is that we are pushing against this egalitarian tide and clinging to the old-fashioned power-over control model of interacting with each other when it is increasingly inappropriate. I don’t think we fully grasp it yet, but we have become a grown-up species with a sophisticated culture, and each of us as individuals are for more capable than we appreciate.

And for me, since I believe in the persistence of consciousness beyond each lifetime, our “souls” are evolving with every century and incarnation and we will discover that we can leverage that collected wisdom more so than we do now. I know many (or even most) of you do not share that view, believing that we only live one life (for better or worse) before either ending our existence or proceeding to some sort of different realm. But if nothing else, the Information Age we live in allows us to upload and leverage so much more of the previously learned wisdom of the world at a much younger age.

“Democracy” is a broad and beautiful concept, founded in ideas of love, mutual respect, and undeniable human development. I respectfully urge you to embrace it in every aspect of your life and see if it pays dividends for you as it has for me in my own life.

Holding Close with Open Arms

Cooper Zale — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 22:11:27 +0000

Toni officiating Sally and my wedding

It was 26 years ago yesterday that my partner Sally and I had our wedding ceremony, officiated by our friend, fellow feminist activist and mentor Toni Carabillo. Toni read the vows Sally and I had written, but added her own poem at the end, “Holding Close with Open Arms”. At the time, I saw the verse as good advice for our budding partnership. 26 years later I see that same thought more broadly as a positive path forward for our entire human civilization.

The piece’s title, at least in the most concrete physical terms, presents a contradiction. How can you hold someone close without wrapping your arms around them to secure their proximity which is bound to constrain their ability to move? Metaphorically, that contradiction is a challenge to maintain a difficult equilibrium; to have intimacy and share love and support without limiting the liberty of your partner to grow and become that unique person they can continue to become.

Toni was the last perhaps of my “feminist aunts”, the activist women of my mother’s generation who took me under their wing as if I were part of some larger “family”, nurtured my sense of ethics and equality, and taught me how best to work and fight effectively for those principles. She was wizened, small cigar smoking, gravely voiced and a great strategist, thinker and writer, who always mentored and generally looked after me. Because of her style, behind-the-scenes maneuvering, and the smoke-filled rooms (she loved and literally helped create), we often referred to her as the “Godmother of the women’s movement”, not in the sense of fairy godmother, but more in line with what the term “godfather” connotes. And given all that, this woman a quarter century my senior used to tease me by telling me I had “nice legs”, with that ever present twinkle in her eye.

My budding feminism, catalyzed by Toni and my other “feminist aunts”, inspired me to really come to grips with the human story in terms of an in-depth examination of our history. As I have written before, I was profoundly enlightened by reading Riane Eisler’s works, particularly The Chalice and the Blade, laying out the theory (that Eisler put forward in tandem with archeologist Marija Gimbutas) of the origins of the patriarchal “dominator” model of society and the profoundly alternative “partnership” model that continues to challenge it.

Eisler laid out the story of an evolutionary transition from domination to partnership reflected in historical transitions away from slavery and serfdom, a metaphorical holding of people in a tight and more constricting embrace. In essence, human society learning (or relearning if you accept Eisler and Gimbutas’ full premise) to “hold close with open arms”; to move toward greater human freedom (still tenuous today of course with totalitarianism, fundamentalism and perhaps even fetishized consumerism continuing to push back), and allow more the flowering of all of the full range of humanities talents.

Managing and even leveraging the tension between connection, relationship and liberty is at the heart of the pragmatic tools and strategies that make up the “power with” facilitative leadership that Eisler and others promote as an alternative to the hierarchical “command and control” institutional structures of more patriarchal thinking.

In an educational context, “holding close with open arms” can mean encouraging more connecting relationships of appreciation and respect between teachers and students while allowing those students to take greater responsibility for crafting their own educational path and participating in governance of their schools. It encourages increased individual agency within a heightened context of collaboration, leading to a more evolved sense of community.

As I have born witness to before, I have seen this work within the Unitarian-Universalist community of older youth. These young people do not depend on adult leadership to coalesce around because they have the agency and learned skills to anchor their community around their own shared leadership, with loving adults playing an important but secondary and supportive role in the background. UU older youth camps and conferences are generally organized, programmed, and led by the youth themselves, with adults available as mentors, advisors, and consultants as called on. I can state unequivocally that both my son Eric and my daughter Emma have profoundly benefitted developmentally from their participation in this community.

I also see this “holding close with open arms” model being practiced among a cadre of more enlightened managers at my workplace. Individuals with talent and maturity are hired to staff out the various work groups, with the expectation that these individuals will be given the liberty to execute their areas of responsibility effectively without the tight supervision of their managers, but with the encouragement and supporting resources from those same managers. I heard this approach once described by a business process “guru” at a conference as “turning the org chart upside down”.

Toni’s metaphor has even informed and inspired my own approach as a parent, and given me a pragmatic and simply stated principle to guide me in this role. Throughout my kids’ childhood and youth, I have tried to leverage the tension between “holding close” – building strong relationships with my kids and providing them a safe environment – with the “open arms” that encourage them to speak their minds and make their own choices wherever possible. And when conflicts arise and the temptation and path of least resistance is for me as the parent is to “lay down the law” and to say, “Just do it my way. Believe me, I know better than you!” I remember my principle and at least reconsider this approach.

I challenge each one of you reading this piece who wears the parent hat to call out (at least in your own mind) a simple statement or two encapsulating your own approach to effective parenting. If you find this a daunting exercise, your difficulty itself might tell you something about perhaps a need to reassess and rethink the effectiveness of your relationship with the young people that you steward. I have found in every context, an effective approach can usually be simply stated in two or three sentences. Try it… and please let me know how it goes.

FYI… here is the full text of Toni’s poem…

Love that holds close with open arms
Is love large enough
To leave each free
To grow, to learn, to do
As each, uniquely, must
With perfect trust
That makes no rigid rules
That then become the tools
Of mutual constraint

Love that holds close with open arms
Is love that’s there
To make both safe enough to dare
Some new frontier of being
That cherishes each advance
Confident of the chance
Of growing too